Hollywood Shocked by Olivia's Confession of Childhood Meth Use

Los Angeles, CA - Just after recovering from the shock of Stephanie Tanner's (Jodie Sweetin) admission of childhood meth use shortly after the end of the hit show Full House, Hollywood has been blind sided once again by the revelation that Olivia Kendall (step-daughter of Denise Huxtable) was also an off-screen addict of the troubling drug.

Now subjected to a continually faltering career on UPN, Olivia (Raven Simone) has nothing but regret for her younger years. "I first shot up at age 2," says Simone, "at the peer pressuring of Malcolm-Jamal Warner," says Simone, choking back tears.



"He said all the cool 2-year-olds on sitcoms about upper-middle-class professional black families and their hilarious and beautiful children are doing it," says a recollective Simone. "He made it so I couldn't say no."

Warner has paid the price for his habit as well: his career hasn't been heard from since a 1996 after school special in which he provided the voice for "L.C." the gang-leader. Reports that he directed a 1999 music video for Adina Howard have gone unverified.

The take home message, says Simone, "if you're in showbiz, stay away from Malcolm Jamal Warner." Something like that.

Bush to Replace "Casual Fridays" with "Camo Fridays" at White House

Washington, D.C. - Apparently President Bush liked playing dress up so much when he allegedly flew that fighter jet (before having a professional take the reigns and land it) that May 1, 2003 day when he told the world, while aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, that we had won the Iraq war, that he's bringing the fatigues to the White House.

"'Tigues are sweet," said Bush at one of his rare press conferences. "They look intimidational and intensitive. And that's why I'm declaring every Friday 'Camo Friday' for all White House staff."

Proponents of the new look of the White House staff are excited about the change of pace. "I'm sick of having to wear heels and skirts," says Amy Hill, "the polished combat boots and baggy-yet-tight khaki desert camo pants will be much more workable."

To inspire the creative side in everyone, the White House is allowing all staff members to pick their own style of fatique, between both the military branch and the intended environment. "I like Desert Navy," says an excited Bush, "but Dick tells me that that option's not available yet," he tells reporters who look on, unsure of whether to laugh at the joke or ignore the stupidity and move onto the next question.

Senior White House reporter Helen Thomas is quick to offer up a change of subject: "Mr. President, in terms of the domestic phone taps through the NSA..." but is quickly shotdown with a Texas-quick Bush rebuttal - "Helen, don't you get it (looking around with a grin for other people like him who get it), this is about Camo' Day, not about the NSA."

A Fox News reporter luckily steps up to fill ignorance gap that Thomas' question left open: "Your Highness, will there be any changes to the lunch menu for Camo' Day?"

A boyishly excited Bush replies, "You know, I'm happy you asked me that. In order to get the full experience, the White House dining staff will be serving MREs every Friday as well."

The more liberal reporters began leaving the room before Jack & Rexella Van Impe had completed their question about Camo Day, the second coming of Christ and the need to exterminate all radical muslims.

Neutrogena Takes on Keith Richards Challenge

Liverpool, U.K. - After wowing the crowd at Super Bowl American Waistline (XL), the Rolling Stone(d) Keith Richards has signed a new deal to be the front man of an age-defying cream for Neutrogena. Neutrogena stockholders are heading for the exists after the announcement from corporate executive Wendy Colmes.

"Keith has rocked an entire generation for several generations," said Colmes, "and now those people are getting into that upper age bracket. Those are the consumers we want, so we need to reach out and appeal to them."

Critics have commented that perhaps Dolly Parton, Billy Joel, or even the late Marvin Gaye would have been more appealing spokesman for the target niche of the new product.

"We recognize that the task ahead of us is large," said a defiant Colmes, "but we have enough confidence in our new cream that we feel turning the drug-laiden, perpetually strung-out-looking Richards into a rejuvinated sex symbol won't really be all that much of a challenge."



Shares of Neutrogena dropped some 340% following the announcement. Apparently company investors aren't waiting around to find out the results. Oh well, Neutrogena, you can't always get what you want.

Annoying Travis Hopes to be Up to Old Antics Soon After Apendectomy

Memphis, TN - Sadly it looks like a speedy recovery for Travis Pettis on Olive Tree, TN (a suburb of Memphis). After hearing that he was to go under the knife for an emergency apendectomy, his fellow members of the junior class at Woodrow Wilson High School were excited.

"It will be cool that's he's out for a while," said Torey Sanchez upon hearing the news that "Annoying" Travis would be absent. "His jokes were funny in like 5th grade, but he never really left the Ninja Turtles and the Nerf lifestyle behind. It's like he's gay or something."

Not all share the resentment for the prop-laiden wannabe stand-up, his homeroom teacher, Belle Davis, seems to enjoy his company. "He's a very bright young man, he must just not get enough attention at home."

All sexuality speculations and apendectomy rejoices aside, we wish the little guy well. The marching band, Dungeons 'n' Dragons club and C++ programers group will surely miss his jokes after school. The girls softball team will go thirsty without his H2O providing support, and his Friday night Halo groups will be down one gunman. Rest up Travis. Enjoy watching the Goonies on daytime TBS, enjoy trying to name all of the quasi-celebrities while catching an episode of Match Game on the game show network, and poor some Pepto on the ground for your homie John Ritter when Three's Company glides past during your channel surfing.

U.S. Army Rejects Van Damme

Quantico, VA - The United States Army, thirsty to maintain the steady inflow of needed troops to "win" the war in Iraq, surprised critics early this morning when they rejected B-rate action film star Jeane Claude Van Damme's application for general enlistment.

"There were several factors that led to our decision to deny Mr. Claude Van Damme," said senior sergeant J. Ralph Elston, "including the subsequent confusion on the administrative end with having to deal with his difficult-to-understand accent, his unknown place of birth, and his plethora of names."

Political think-tanks have speculated that the Army was concerned with the prospect that Van Damme would be an insider and that he sought membership only to feed information to "whatever terrorist-aiding nation he came from."

When reached for comment, a sorrowed Van Damme responded through tears and a thick accent that he "only wanted to help the country that has so embraced him and his films over the years." Some have speculated that Paramount's recent rejection of the screenplay "Blood Sport 6" led Van Damme to revitalize his career by buffering up his image through public service and heroism in the army. To those comments, Van Damme replied, "I know what I know. I know how to do the kickbox, I know how to crush the man in Street Fighter 2, I know these."

When asked to speculate what his future plans might now be since his rejection from enlistment, Van Damme offered the option of running for governor in a west coast state.

New Tony Danza Sitcom Falters Before Getting off the Ground

Hollywood, CA - Before CBS's new fall sitcom starring the lovable Tony Danza aired a single show, the idea was shot down by network executives who feared a net loss from the sitcom due to pronounced studio expenditures. "Based upon the initial meetings we had, it looked as if the cost of studio time from all the outtakes was likely going exceed what we could bring it from advertising, let alone the other costs that producing a show takes up," said John Goldwater, a CBS executive.

So why so many outtakes? "Basically Mr. Danza was confused on the set and made an average of 9 miscues per hour, each costly nearly $2,000 in studio rental fees."

Apparently the now defunct show, "Steve and the Kids," was too much for Danza (who was to play Steve) to handle. His long and quasi-storied career in front of the camera has featured "Taxi," "Who's the Boss," "Tony," several sub-par awards show host gigs, two telethons and now, "The Tony Danza Show" - in all of which his character was named "Tony."

"The adjustment on the set to not being called 'Tony' was too much for him," said Goldwater. "And who can blame the guy?"

Bush, Rumsfeld threaten to "unleash" Bigfoot on Iraqi Insurgents

Washington, D.C. - In a press conference earlier this morning, United States President George W. Bush hinted that if the circumstances of the Iraqi war called for it, he would not hesitate to use the force of the popular fleet of monster trucks known as "Bigfoot" to "quash the infidels."

"Those turban-heads have to realize what they're up against," said the President before adding, "and they're up against a whole lotta whoop ass. Bigfoot would show them who's the boss."

Bigfoot is known among its following of Busch-drinking, shotgun-bearing citizens as the orginal "monster" truck. It was the brainchild of an autoparts specialist in Hazelwood, MO with a little too much time on his hands and hankering for "crushin' stuff" and "makin' loud noises." The idea grew into a fleet of 14 trucks that make international tours where they crush stuff and make loud noises to the boisterous cheers of hillbilly children with monosyllabic names.

The owner of the fleet said that he would dedicate his entire 14-truck force to the war is the President called upon him, mainly because "He loves his country" and because "them Iraqis couldn't touch 'em."

"I've gotten a lot of flack for sendin' the troops over there without properly armed hummers and inadequate personal shielding," said Bush, "but with Bigfoot, we wouldn't even have to worry about that since no it would just drive over them [land]mines and not even notice." In an upsetting final comment before concluding the press conference, Bush joked about his own previous shortcomings: "We couldn't find weapons of mass destruction, so we're bringin' in our own: Bigfoot."

Matt Nover Regrets Partaking in "Blue Chips" Film

Barcelona, Spain - Remember the film "Blue Chips"? Nick Nolte is the struggling once-famous basketball coach now on the fringe of retirement so he illegally recruits 3 big-shots played by Shaq, Penny Hardaway... and Matt Nover (formerly of the Indiana Hoosiers). Well Matt Nover wishes he didn't.

"I'll never live that down," says Nover, now sporting long, dingy hair trapsed over the shoulders of his current team's uniform in the Spain Basketball League. "They went on to such bigger, better things. . . . I blame Nick Nolte."

Nover now spends his evenings at casual Barcelona bars answering his "fans'" questions about "Shaq-daddy" and "The Penny" while signing autographs on "Blue Chips" posters that feature Nolte & Shaq, but no Nover.

"Spain's been pretty alright, I guess," said a slumped over Nover before having a stack of towels thrown on him by passing teammates. Before he could answer any more questions, he mumbled an excuse about how "the guys like them pressed with a little starch" and how he'd better get going.

Pushy Adoptive Mother Hopes Asian Will Pay Dividends

Mill Castle, NY - Peggy Sue Brimbell, 46, saw her 1999 adoption of Soon Kim from China as an investment. "Three words: Michelle Wie & 401-k," said a laughing Brimbell to reporters while vigorously "coaching" her "daughter."

"She's got a lot of talent," said Brimbell of Kim, "but she tends to slice right off the tee. Nothin' some late nights at the range won't fix though."

When asked if she enjoyed golf, the 8-year-old Kim mechanically replied "I like the golf very much," after receiving a stern glare of permission from her adopted caretaker.

Reports that Brimbell has denied Kim her rightful education were not commented on by the mother/coach - "That's a bunch of B.S. She gets 2-4 hours of home schooling everyday between Montel and [Dr.] Phil. I really wish people would just leave me alone and let my investment appreciate away from the spotlight."

Public officials have promised an investigation into the neglectful treatment that Brimbell appears to be instilling upon Kim, but one representative from the local department of health and family services was quoted as saying "we've got a lot of non-golf prodigies out there to worry about before I'm going to dig through the papers on my desk and help out some future millionaire. . . . I'm sick of every adopted kid always having their hand out wanting more."

Mayim Bialik, Wolf Blitzer to Wed

Hollywood, CA - After only a brief, but steamy, love affair, the newest "it" couple-about-town is going to make it official sometime this spring. According to reports, Mayim Bialik, the child star of "Blossom" and several NBC "The More You Know" commercials and Wolf Blitzer, the savy, sexy, sixty-something host of CNN's "The Situation Room" will tie the night in an intimate, "family and major fans only" ceremony on a remote beach south of Los Angeles sometime in May.

"He's really into the news, and stuff, and my character on Blossom, Blossom, was really into current events and politics and what not. She was really out-spoken," recants a blushing Bialik.

"I'm just really happy. As hectic as things have been in the situation room lately - what with terrorists and gas prices and what not - it will be really relaxing to be married to Maya," said Blitzer, immediately before correcting himseld, "Mayim, that is."

Attending the wedding will likely be a host of quasi-celebrities: Michael Stoyanov, Joey Lawrence, Ted Wass and Finola Hughes from Bialik's troop and Soledad and Miles O'Brien (no relation), Cooper Anderson and Larry King as friends of Blitzer's. Lawrence has promised to pull himself off the set where he's shooting the pilot for "Brotherly Love 2" (though his brothers Andy and Matt declined contract offers for the sitcom sequel) to attend.

Sources are uncertain if Jenna von Oy will attend - after the infamous blow-up between Bialik and Oy in an East L.A. Shoney's in 1997, in which Oy suffered a broken right arm, the two have exchanged minimal words if any. Celebrity gossip columnist Ted Cassablanca (known primarily for his over-the-top gayness on E! TV) says that this should be the "biggest Hollywood wedding since Tori Spelling married that guy."

Proctor & Gamble To Donate Over 1 Billion in Personal Hygiene Products

Cincinnati, OH - Proctor & Gamble announced today to make an unprecedented donation of over 1 billion in personal hygiene products. "As the world leader in consumer goods we feel we are in a great position to make this happen," says Mark Johnson, Senior Vice President of Marketing.

The donation is in response to a growing concern that the world may be getting a foul stench. Many scientists believe this phenomenon is occurring because not enough people are utilizing personal hygiene products. "There is a large market segment out there that we have yet to capture," Mr. Jordan added. Scientists believe that this stench, combined with the increasing population growth rate of key "stench producing countries" such as China and the Middle East, could cause a world wide odor problem as soon as 2010. "You think breathing in Los Angeles is hard? Los Angeles will seem like frolicking high atop the Appalachian Mountains if this keeps growing," said Keenan McDonald of the Center of Disease Control in Georgia.

Proctor and Gamble plan to take a unique approach to this already bizarre marking campaign. They are focusing their marketing efforts on areas heavily populated by minorities such as San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles and many other large U.S. cities. Also, they plan to take advantage of the low brand loyalty teenagers and young adults have and specifically target college campuses with large engineering and business schools. "We realize we can't appeal to everyone, that's why we want to start young. Our market research shows that teenagers and young adults are just as smelly as older adults," Mr. Jordan explained. When asked why Proctor and Gamble is donating over 1 billion products when there are only 300 million residents in the U.S. Mr Jordan added "We plan to get those in foreign countries, like China and India, that are contemplating immigrating to the U.S That way, when they arrive, they won't stink up the place."

"This is a step in the right direction. Because of what Proctor and Gamble is doing, I can plan for a future where my kids won't have to smell the underside of an armpit every time they want to go for a walk," said Mr. McDonald.

Massachusetts Man Honors Fallen Hero, Dale Earnhardt

Hazelnut, MA - "3." For Joe Klut, that's all that needs to be said, because on this past President's Day, he chose to honor a fallen hero who served not in the White House, but all of White Trash. "Earnhardt was, is and always will be the man," says Klut, whose wife, Suze, spent 13 minutes shearing the 37" "3" onto Klut's back yesterday morning. "Sometimes, I look at the t.v. when Nascar's on, and I still see him out there drivin' 'round that damn track," says Klut, struggling to fight off tears in front of his 3-year-old mullet-laiden son, D.J. (first name "Dale," middle name "Junior").

"He's pretty into Dale," says Suze, still picking small curly hairs from underneath her fingernails at random intervals during the interview. "I just try and do what I can to support it," says the faithful wife before quickly adding, "until it involves the bedroom."

When asked what he thinks about the recent Jimmie Johnson scandal at Daytona (that his car was inspected only after it had won the race), Kutz just stares at the wall, just above the Precious Moments collection that Suze so admires, and just below the water damage on the ceiling, at the life-size portrait of himself wearing Earnhardt's uniform that Kutz insisted the Disney charicature artist make during his family's vacation last summer. "Dale was great on Sunday," says a misty Kutz, "Dale was great." We may never know exactly what he's talking about.

Local White Supremacist Angered by Blacks "Stealing" Another Sport, Swears Pogs will Make Come Back

Rolla, MO - Avowed white supremacist, Terry Nish (above), is angry. "Why can't they just leave well enough alone?" asks a befuddled Nish while staring at his 13" Magnavox television in front of a Thundercats t.v. tray. Images of Shani Davis (bottom center), the first African American to medal in an individual winter olympic sport, speedskate across his screen.

"First baseball, then golf, hell, I've even seen a few of 'em playing in the NHL!" says the brother of the Aryan Nation in disbelief. "I wouldn't have a problem with it, 'cept their taking my spot out there. I could have been a speedskater if I wanted to, but since he is, I can't be." Nish seems almost unsure of his own logic while he fumbles through his beard looking for Hot Pocket remnants. Nish gestures toward a mirrored background 36"x24" Tony Steward Nascar painting looming over his humble plaid couch, "Next thing you know, they'll be hoistin' up the Daytona trophy in the winner's cirlce. I'll be damned."

Nish makes his living at swap meets and flea markets, mainly hocking retro Archie Bunker comics and Spiderman pogs. "They're comin' back," says Nish of the pog craze. "And I'll be sittin' pretty." With his hopes of speedskating gold all but dashed by the greed of the humbled-background and heroic role model, Davis, Nish can only lay back in his faded Zubaz pants and sleeveless Harley t-shirt (not by design, but by his own accenting) and dream of the day at the local card show when the demand for pogs is once again existent.

Vertically Challenged B-Baller Pulls off "Jimmy Dolan Shake-n-Bake"

Gueverrez, Mexico - In a stunning display of athleticism, Victor Ortega pulled off the impossible on Monday when he completed the "Jimmy Dolan Shake-n-Bake" on his defender, Alonzo Alvarez. The move, popularized by Kevin Bacon in the 1994 Disney film "The Air Up There" stunned onlookers. "I can't believe it. Not since Bacon has it been done," said basketball commentator Dick Vitale. "And his legs are so small, baby!!" added Vitale.

Others weren't so impressed, including the embarassed defender, Alvarez: "Is everyone crazy? Did they see what I saw? There's nothing to that damn move. You stand in one spot and switch legs and then crossover dribble. Kevin Bacon could do it for Christ's sake!"

Ortega blew off Alvarez's comments, saying that he was just upset because he got "show'd up like a white dude on an And1 mix tape." Ortega went on, "Dolan (Bacon) was awesome. He won that game in Africa and saved the village from losing its land because of the shake-n-bake. I'd like to think that I helped my people out by using it too."

Ortega is leading the Mexican Midget Basketball League (MMBL) with 11.2 points per game and 0.8 rebounds. Alvarez, a modest bench player usually known for his defensive prowess which has been likened to Randy Brown of the Chicago Bulls second three-peat teams, is averaging 0.4 ppg.

Kevin Bacon (below left) could not be reached for comment.

Man Excited Over New 'Stache

Ithaca, NY - Graduate student Nick Hayward (bottom center) told reporters Monday that he was "pretty doped up" on his new look: a mustache in class white trash fashion.

"This should really get me in with some ladies," said the student in Urban Planning and Historic Preservation.

That won't be all the new look will get him into. With the addition of his top-lip facial hair, Hayward can expect a total change in lifestyle. According to Dr. Nahil Gupta (above right), professor of mustache science at the University of Pennsylvania, Hayward will likely be attending Nascar events with greater frequency, patronizing bars with the words "hole" or "wheel" in the title, and shooting off firearms for personal enjoyment. Gupta also mentioned the possibility of participating in "mustache rides" that should enliven Hayward's social life. "I'm def' lookin' forward to givin' some 'stache rides!" said an excited Hayward, already noticably partaking in the apostrophied vernacular of the 'stache lifestyle.

"The 'stache changes everything," said Gupta. I just hope he's ready for it.

Electrical Engineer baffled By Lamp

Urbana, IL - Steven L. Judd, soon to be graduate of the Electrical Engineering Program at the University of Illinois at Urbana - Champaign is baffled at how lamp works. "Do you know how this light works?" asked Judd in a fit of confusion that could only rival that of a chimpanzee solving differential equations. "Yeah, the light bulb is in it" one bystander answered. This seemed to confuse Judd more and forced many follow up questions.

This recent development has forced The University of Illinois' Engineering Department to take a harder look at not only its admitting standards, but also it's curriculum. "This is embarrassing." said one university official, "This kid is supposed to be well versed in the study of transistors and electromagnetism, and here he is stupefied by technology that has been around for over 100 years."

Judd, a self proclaimed genius and aficionado of cheap cologne from Tyler, TX was admitted into The University of Illinois at Urbana - Champaign's Electrical Engineering Graduate Program recently which sparks an even larger debate; should we allow people from Tyler, TX outside the city limits?

Hasselhoff Still #1 in Deutschland

Berlin, Germany - Though his 'Knight Rider' days are long gone and 'Baywatch' has run ashore, sex symbol David Hasselhoff is still enjoying the life of a rock star in Germany these days.

"It's like, I don't age, or something," said Hasselhoff. "I'm even sexier now than I was when riding in K.I.T., tearing bad guys a new one on 'K[night] Rider.'"

With 42 concert dates in Eastern Europe planned for 2006, included 8 in Germany, the only country naive enough to embrace him, Hasselhoff is living large. "Hanes is talking about an underwear deal in Poland, too," says a gleaming Hasselhoff to reporters. "And after my last surgery, no tube sock-stuffing required for this shoot baby!" said the sex-symbol while emphatically gesticulating his hips.

Critics warn that Hasselhoff had better enjoy it while it lasts, speculating that such washed-out American stars as Corey Feldman, Emanuel Lewis, and that metro-sexual kid Jamie from "Small Wonder" may be looking to cash in on the European scene that has treated Hasselhoff so well. When asked if he's worried about sharing the spotlight, a cool Hasselhoff replied: "No way man. Ain't no one got chest hair like me. No one." He may have a point there.

Gene Shalit Found Bathing in New York City Water Supply

New York City, NY - New York City Water Reclamation District authorities have mandated a boil order for both Bronx and Brooklyn burroughs after officials observed film critic Gene Shalit grooming his beard and "hair-covered, naked body" in a reservoir near 152nd Street earlier today.

"That was disgusting," said Linda Florentino, a eyewitness to the naked film critic's public display of hygiene. Officials are uncertain how long the boil order will be in place, though according to Chuck Stillster, director of the New York Public Works, the likelihood of bacterial contamination from Shalit's endeavor are "profoundly great" due to "high levels of mucosal and flatulent residue" that have come back from priliminary testing. "I can't think of anything worse than washing my silverware with particulate matter from Gene Shalit's fecies wedging themselves in-between the tines of my fork," said Stillster.

Allegations that Shalit's pubic area was groomed in a bushy mustache style that mirrored his facial hair are unconfirmed as of yet.

Black History Month Debacle

Dubuque, IA - In a second-grade classroom field trip to celebrate black history month, two students - 7-year-old Stephanie Johnston (white) and 6-year-old DelMarte Jones (black) - engaged in altercation that ended up being nothing to celebrate. "We were going to the Mississippi River to learn about the old shipping days and the role that negroes played in the turn-of-the-century shift to industrialism," said Becky White, the teacher at Strom Thurmond Elementary in Dubuque.

Unfortunately for young DelMarte, the portion of the trip that included a "fishing expedition" turned into white-on-black crime when Johnston allegedly stole Jones' fish just prior to being photographed for the Dubuque Star Journal.

"It's just yet another example of the white man keeping us down," said Jesse Jackson of the Rainbow Coaltion after being tracked down to a Frigidaire box just outside the capital building in Washington, D.C. Jones could not be reached for comment.

Dick Cheney apologies, takes Whittington to McD's

Just days after being released from the hospital after being treated for wounds subsequent to being sprayed in the face and throat with bird shot by Vice President Dick Cheney, 78-year-old Harry Whittington is being treated to a "big and tasty McRib" by his hunting buddy and assailant, Cheney. "I told him that if he lived, I'd buy him McD's. Just my little way of saying 'I'm sorry,'" said the Vice President on Monday.

When asked for comment, Whittington said he was "pissed off" that McDonald's had discontinued the Arch Deluxe sandwhich in 2001 and that "Dick's gesture would mean a lot more" if that were not the case. When asked to comment on his favorite sandwhich, Whittington told one reporter to "go [expletive] himself" and made a hand gesture indicative of some sort of probing. "I just got shot in the [expletive] face," said Whittington, "and you're up here asking me about Filet-o-Fish and Grimace. I'm 78-[expletive]-years-old you son of a [expletive]."

When asked to follow-up, Cheney told reporters that he understands Whittington's aggravation, but hopes that it will all come to blows when the two engage each other in the ball pit after eating.

New Study Reveals that Law School Sucks

Philadelphia, PA - A new study conducted by the Doctors of Homeopathic Urology (DHU) has demonstrated with statistically certainty that law school "sucks."
"We looked at several factors in conducting our analysis and came up with a final equation," said Dr. Ranal Nazur.
So 'what's the equation?' you anxiously ask out there on the world wide web...