ACS Report Indicates "Worker Apathy" leading to rise in Smoking

New York City, NY - A new report by the American Cancer Society indicates that an increasing number of stereotypical "9-5" workers are turning to smoking as a source of release from the mundane nature of their employment. With the vast majority of U.S. employers allowing 10-minute smoke breaks every 3 hours as part of their normal employment policy, non-smokers are beginning to take-up the habit, simply as a means of getting out of work.

"Why should smokers be able to get away from the cubicle while I'm stuck," asks Jim Lindman of Vyndacorp, Inc., a New York-based accounting firm. "I started [smoking] so I could get outside, get away from it all. Pretty sick that lung cancer is more appealing than work."

In response to the increase of non-smoker smoking, regular smoking addicts are beginning to fight back. "It's getting too crowded down there," says Judy Erickson, a yellow-toothed veteran of the smoking-break circuit, "I've had the same spot for 21 years," claims the catchers'-mit-faced Erickson, "and all of a sudden these primadonnas are movin' in, just to get out of work? Makes me sick."

In the wake of the smoke wars, some companies are considering offering 10-minute breaks to all employees, every 3 hours, during which they could do whatever they want, however, corporate America is fearing a production loss if such precedent should occur: "Smoker or not, you have to work at work," says John Thomson of the American Institute of Corporations. "Corporate American doesn't care about you and your ten minutes, it needs to make that bottom line."