Captain Planet Ordered to Stay 500 Yards from Missouri Grade School

Festus, MO - Captain Planet, aka Todd Muskovic, has been ordered by a Muthusola County, Missouri judge to remain at least 500 yards away from a nearby gradeschool. The court order is the most recent development in what has been a long and steady decline for Muskovic since his animated series "Captain Planet and the Planeteers" was cancelled by ABC in 1994.

In 2004, Muskovic was intensely investigated by the Department of Homeland Security for his alleged role in an immigration operation, stemming largely from the consistently foreign makeup of his squadron on earth-saving Planeteers.



In 1999, Muskovic was indicted on child molestation charges when two former Planeteers accused him of pressuring them into sexual acts via the coercion of environmental destruction. "He said that if we didn't do what he wanted, the rainforests would burn to the ground," reads the testimony of one of the accusers, who shall remain anonymous due to his minor status.

This most recent court order comes to no surprise to Muskovic's Festus neighbors. "He's always strutting around in that creepy red underwear with his hair dyed green... he looks like a damn fool," says Dale Naiman, a 42-year resident of Festus. "Instead of worrying about the environment, he should worry about cleanin' up his own damn self."

During his day in court, Muskovic cited clinical depression as a mitigating factor for his sentencing, stating that the environmental destruction directly attributable to the laisse-faire policies enacted since the Bush administration took office have got him "down in the dumps." The judge, a known rural conservative wasn't buying it. Apparently saving our planet is not his thing to do; looting and polluting is more his way.