U.S. Army Rejects Van Damme

Quantico, VA - The United States Army, thirsty to maintain the steady inflow of needed troops to "win" the war in Iraq, surprised critics early this morning when they rejected B-rate action film star Jeane Claude Van Damme's application for general enlistment.

"There were several factors that led to our decision to deny Mr. Claude Van Damme," said senior sergeant J. Ralph Elston, "including the subsequent confusion on the administrative end with having to deal with his difficult-to-understand accent, his unknown place of birth, and his plethora of names."

Political think-tanks have speculated that the Army was concerned with the prospect that Van Damme would be an insider and that he sought membership only to feed information to "whatever terrorist-aiding nation he came from."

When reached for comment, a sorrowed Van Damme responded through tears and a thick accent that he "only wanted to help the country that has so embraced him and his films over the years." Some have speculated that Paramount's recent rejection of the screenplay "Blood Sport 6" led Van Damme to revitalize his career by buffering up his image through public service and heroism in the army. To those comments, Van Damme replied, "I know what I know. I know how to do the kickbox, I know how to crush the man in Street Fighter 2, I know these."

When asked to speculate what his future plans might now be since his rejection from enlistment, Van Damme offered the option of running for governor in a west coast state.