Walker: Texas Governor?

Lubbock, TX - In a recent interview for the promotion of his new film "Sidekicks 3," Chuck Norris, the star and theme-song singer the of CBS action show "Walker: Texas Ranger," claimed that he was considering himself for candidacy in the upcoming Texas gubernatorial election. "I just feel like Texas has been lacking in kick-ass ever since Bush moved on to the big rodeo," said a smiling Norris, "and I feel I can definitely fill that void of kick-ass - you've seen my films," he added.

Norris would have to overcome a slew of jurisdictional rules and citizenship qualifications in order to be a valid candidate, though Norris claims he knows of a quick way to cut through such copious red tape: "jump kicks to the chest have always been pretty good motivators."



As for his campaign platform? "Child fatness, tax-funded hair transplants for men, and new forms of the death penalty," quickly lists Norris. When asked to elaborate, Norris responded: "Kids are too damn fat in the U.S., I want to make sure they all personally go on a bootcamp training session by age 12 in which they will learn martial arts and how to use martial arts for ass kicking purposes. In terms of the hair thing, I have suffered from bad hairpieces all my life and know what pain is like, I want to equalize men who cannot afford proper fitting and proper looking hair pieces."

As for the death penalty revisions (Texas already leads the nation in executions)? "Although Texas is still #1 in the DP," says Norris, "our lead in that category has been dropping, especially per capita. I'll make sure to institute the Roundhouse kick to the head as a new form of execution - quick, easy and cheap." In terms of constitutional preclusions to such a form of punishment, Norris retorts: "Anyone who thinks a Roundhouse is 'cruel and unusual' will have to answer to a Roundhouse from me." Based upon the physical fitness of Norris from all of his infomercial workouts on the Total Gym, this reporter won't be making any such arguments anytime soon.

Fred Savage's Separated Wife Claims Constant "Winnie" Comparisons in Divorce Filings

Westwood, CA - Allison Savage-Bader, the estranged wife of child star Fred Savage, claimed that Savage psychologically abused her during their three-year marriage by constantly comparing her to "Winnie," Savage's character's (Kevin Arnold) fictional girlfriend on "The Wonder Years" - the show which propelled Savage to a brief stardom.

The legal filings for divorce in which the allegations were found detailed multiple accounts of Savage telling Allision such things as, "Winnie would make better muffins than this crap" when Allison would cook, and "Winnie would talk less during sex" during times that the couple was intimate.



"Who can blame the guy," says Josh Saviano, the actor who portrayed Savage's best-friend, Paul Pfeiffer, on "The Wonder Years." "Danica is hot, there's no doubt about it. I do feel bad for Fred though," says Saviano, "he and Allison had something pretty special."

Allison and Fred met on the set of "The Princess Bride," a film that Savage was working on at the time. Allison was the daughter of the film's director and when she first met Savage, it was love at first site. "He was just so adorable," said Allison in a 1998 interview, recalling their first meeting, "sitting there playing the sick kid, home from school, whose creepy Columbo-like grandfather comes in and tells him this trippy story. I just knew we would be together."



Unfortunately, the starry romance was short-lived. Saviano and other friends of Savage noticed an onset of depression in Savage upon the cancellation of "The Wonder Years." "He just couldn't get work," says Saviano, "the only thing he did was that made-for-t.v. movie with Sammy Davis Jr. - 'Christmas on Division Street.'"

Coupled with the depression was a curious obsession with Winnie Cooper, aka Danica Mckeller. "He would stay at home night after night, watching tapes of the show that he had ABC make for him, pausing it during portions of Danica, sometimes crying at times into his HungryMan t.v. dinners. That put a real strain on his marriage. Even when he finally got that sitcom gig with "Working," he made them put into the contract that Danica would come on for one guest appearance. They had to pay her $2 milion because she said Savage creeped her out so bad."



As for the lusty Danica Mckeller, she doesn't seem as hung up on Savage. Having posed for such men's magazines as Maxim, and Stuff, Mckeller has had a steady career of guest appearances, recently on CBS's "How I Met Your Mother" with another child actor: Neil Patrick Harris.

Political Analysts Suggest Makeover for Marijuana Activists

Blunt Hills, CA - Responding to a recent rally for the legalization of marijuana, a team of political analysts from Washington, D.C. has offered a report that critiques the image credibility of the movement's figureheads and offers "makeover" suggestions that would boost the political clout of the "weed renaissance."



"Nobody is going to take your cause seriously when you present yourself in outrageous costumes in order to 'campaign,'" suggests Oliver Whitley, co-author of the report. "If Donald Trump showed up to a billion-dollar real-estate deal wearing a Captain America costume with his eyes blooshot while holding a sign made out of cardboard that read 'Close this Deal,' the deal would be off within ten seconds of him entering the room," suggests Whitley.



Whitley's point is well-taken. Many U.S. Senators have made similar comments, stating that they've read the facts of the drug, they've weighed the pros and cons, but are ultimately dissuaded by the appearance of the movement's presenters. Generally, men in orange body paint or men on stilts with "weed wings" on their back offer little credibility on capital hill. That's why Whitley and his co-authors are suggesting an overhaul.



"People won't listen to you until you at least are willing to meet them halfway. Men in suits run the government so it logically follows that, if you want to talk to govermental figureheads, you should throw a suit on," offers Whitley, "and NOT one made out of hemp by Star-Rabbit, your life-partner."



But weed activists seem to take the argument offered by Whitley and his colleagues with deaf ears. "No way, man," says 'J- 2000,' a self-proclaimed weed-rights supporter (right). "We, like, aren't going to conform to, like, what The Man wants us to do, and (expletive), because, like, that's what weed is all about, you know?, like, not hangin' out with The Man. If The Man wants to help us, he can come to us and smoke up, you know what I'm sayin'?"



Whitley retorts that people like J-2000 are exactly what is holding the legalization of marijuana back. "What is he even saying with that response?" asks Whitley. "Literally, I do not understand what he meant." Neither does The Man.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan to Serve as U.N. Ambassador

New York City, NY - The U.S. Senate Foreign Affairs Committee made the expected announcement earlier today that former WWF (now WWE) professional wrestling star Hacksaw Jim Duggan will represent the United States in up to three United Nations committees from June 2006 until January of 2008. Unverified sources are speculating that Hacksaw's talents will most likely be extended toward issues of national and international security. Duggan may also demonstrate his special skills, including his familiarity with building materials and lumber, to the U.N. Committee for the Improvement of Worldwide Living Conditions.



When asked if he's excited about this opportunity as an international diplomat and a chance to serve as an iconic symbol of American democracy upon the international stage, Duggan said: "Kick ass." Upon further prompting, Duggan went on to note how he intends to call upon his 1986 victory over the Iron Sheik for the title belt as a source of inspiration for fighting terrorists. "I took 'em ragheads out once," says Duggan, "and I can do it again."



Only one question remains for the 'roid-ragged, grizzly-bearded machismo: "why the 2x4?" "It's a cheap tool for kickin' ass," says Duggan. "Not everybody [is] runnin' 'round with bread in they pockets," insists Duggan, "but they gotta find a way to beat ass on the cheap." Hopefully he will be able to take his sterling diction and hankering for economical ass-kickin' to a new plateau of international success in his new role as U.N. Ambassador from the beacon of freedom: the U.S. of A.

John Nash Upset by Plot of "A Beautiful Mind 2: The Soduku Secret"

Berkeley, CA - Retired genius John Forbes Nash, creator of the Nash Equilibrium - a staple of modern game theory - is reportedly "disappointed" in the low-level intelligence of the plot behind the 2007 sequel to the academy award-winning tale of his life: "A Beautiful Mind."

Slated to open during the winter holidays in 2007, "A Beautiful Mind 2: The Soduku Secret" chronicles a middle-aged man's journey (Russell Crowe) to madness and back as he wrestles with the daily dose of insanity prescribed by his addiction to soduku puzzles during his morning commute.



If you're asking yourself just what this bizarre "Soduku" is, you should go ahead and check your pulse as well. Soduku is all the rage. In magazines, newspapers, and online. Most commercial bookstores even have their own section of books containing only the 9*9 puzzles.



So what's the point of them you ask? Why all the rage over them? Nash doesn't understand it either: "It's unbelievably lame," retorts the mathematical uber-genius, "you put the digits 1-9 in rows, columns and squares so that they don't repeat?! I solved (expletive) like that in fourth grade."

Soduku fans aren't listening - they're too keeled over their puzzle books - #2 China in hand - filling in the little boxes with scribbled writing, over-writing where they've messed up, erasing their mistakes in a frenzy and occassionally shouting the inevitable "DAMN!" when they've realized they're just one number off - and they thought they were so close.

Some non-fans are appeased by the puzzles as well. "Whenever punk kids would sit by me on the train there was always that wierdness," says Dale Hunter, 68 of San Jose, "and now they just keep to themselves with their little t.v.'s (iPod videos to the tech-savy) and puzzle books. No more wierdness."

John Nash isn't so relieved by the puzzles, in fact he's insulted and is even threatening to sue Warner Brothers Distribution if the film does not change its namesake and the name of its main characters.

Gonzaga Star Denies Meth Addiction in Wake of Recent espn.com Photo

Spokane, WA - Gonzaga Bulldog Adam Morrison has vehemently denied an alleged addiction to meth amphetamines, or, in street terminology, "ice." The allegations came in the wake of a seemingly innocent photo posted of the NCAA season scoring average leader in which he appears crazed, sleep-deprived and all-around bizarre.

"I don't do meth. Period." That was the answer given by Morrison at a pre-shootaround interview session at the Gonzaga practice facility earlier this morning.

Morrison's head coach is behind him as well: "Frahm, I mean Dickau, I mean Santangelo, (expletive) whoever he is, he does not do meth," says Mark Few, the winniest coach in the NCAA over the past five years.

So how did he build up such a great team out of a bunch of meth users? "Listen, I just denied that he does drugs," replied a noticeably flustered Few. "Drugs are not something to be taken lightly in this country." So is that why Morrison skipped directly to the hard stuff? "This interview is over" were the only words that a guilty Few could mutter.

While Morrison has been heralded for his courageous fight with diabetes - even injecting himself with insulin on the sideline sometimes - Balco's Victor Conte, made famous by his role of steroid supplier to Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco, tells a different story: "That's not insulin," claims Conte. "I know because I sold him those needles myself - they're full of liquid meth."

The NCAA has skirted requests for a more stringent meth-testing policy, claiming that although meth is a growing problem throughout the United States, there is no reason to believe that the epidemic has reached NCAA student athletes. To that statement, Conte claims the NCAA need only look as far as the Gonzaga sideline - or a photo from Morrison's freshman year at Gonzaga. (bottom left)



"Much like steroids, the effects of meth show up over time," says Conte," just as you can find a 1990 Donruss rookie card of Barry Bonds to tell you he's on the juice, a freshman dorm photo of Morrison tells you much the same."

Rockapella Excited About New Album, Tour

Carthage, CA - After a much-too-long wait, fans of the hit a cappella group Rockapella will finally be quelled by a new album from the group in the fall of 2006.

"We didn't want to rush things," says group member Jeff Thacher. "We wanted this album to be just right."

Although the album name is not yet finalized, some fans are speculating that it will be entitled "Rockapella 3" - a follow up to their 1998 "Rockapella 2" which sold off the shelves in Germany.

Since being discovered by Spike Lee on a New York street corner in the late 1980's, these Brown alumni have been around the world and back - literally! They made their signature mark as the clue-singing, goof-ball hunks on the PBS children's show "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego."

A 1998 Folger's commercial put them back on the scene, quickly followed by the aforementioned 1998 album. "We just really didn't want to rush things," repeats Thacher. "Even the Beatles had to take some time to create and really make music again - and that's what we're doing. This album, boy, the studio experience was just so incredible. I'd look over and - not even notice that I'd been in a cold sweat for the last two songs. It was that intense."


The album's feature tracks are "Oh, Carmen," "City by the Sea (San Diego)" and, of course, a jazzed-up remix of the t.v. theme song that still asks the question: "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?"

"We're a little edgier now," admits Thacher, "we had to keep up and grow with our audience. But the music is still the same. I don't want to let any cats out of the bag, so to speak, but we've got some pretty intense things planned for our tour."

We're on the edge of our seats.

Casella Furious Over Neil Patrick Harris' Quasi-Stardom

The Bronx, NYC, NY - Yesterday, on a New York City street corner for all who cared to hear, Max Casella expressed his outrage over his former co-star's recent success and his own contrasting shortcomings. Casella starred opposite Neil Patrick Harris in the early 90's smash hit "Doogie Howser, M.D." The show's premise was that Howser was an uber-genius, child-prodigy who scored a perfect SAT at age 6, was done with med school by 14, and performing emergency surgeries before losing his virginity (which, by the way, was heralded as a society-changing episode).

"We were on top of the world," says a recollective Cansella. "Girls would throw themselves at us every night when we'd hit the clubs. If it weren't for me, Doogie [Harris] would be doin' blow and livin' in his ma's basement in the Bronx. But nobody cares about that now," continued an apparently intoxicated Cansella. "Nobody cares that Wanda [another co-star] is knocked up in Queens and turnin' tricks now. Nobody cares about Ol' Vinne [himself]." Despite Cansella's rantings, his post-Doogie career has not been a complete void: his role in "Newsies" just after the sitcom that led him to stardom was cancelled was critically acclaimed, and he has found recent work on the hit "The Sopranos," while starring in "Sgt. Bilko" opposite Steve Martin in between.

But none of that is appeasing Cansella: "They didn't even put my (expletive) on the mother (expletive) box [for first season DVD of Doogie Howser]. That's some straight-up bull(expletive)."

"Meanwhile Neil's a smash hit for (expletive) 'Harold and Kumar' where he played him (expletive) self. That's not acting, that's playing yourself." Cansella was furthered enraged by the attention Patrick Harris is getting for his new CBS sitcom "How I Met Your Mother," being extra-broadcast during the recent wave of NCAA basketball games. "He couldn't call up a friend who needs work for that show?" asks Cansella, "he couldn't call up his ol' buddy Vincent DelPino? I got his ass out of so many jams. I took the heat in episode #27 when his parents came home early and found us havin' a party. And this is the thanks I get? And the damn producers would never once let ME close the show with my computer diary. Mine was so much better than his sissy-boy introspective (expletive), they don't even know."

Kenny Rogers Warns Manilow About Starting Restaurant Chain

Branson, MO - Having just gotten out of the red from what investment experts called the "dumbest financial move by a washed-up country singer in the 1990's," Kenny Rogers is extending some helpful advice to his musical comrade Barry Manilow.

"I just don't want him to make the same mistake I did," says a faded Rogers, "I thought everyone loved chicken and corn biscuits. I was wrong."

In 1991, Rogers mortgaged 30% of his assets to open "Kenny Rogers Roasters," the chain restaurant eerily similar to Boston Market, but with a more sinister, CMT-style kick to it. The current investment malady on the horizon that Rogers is referring to his Manilow's golden donut: "Barry Manilow's House of Pasta."

"What do these investment analysts know?" says a defiant Manilow, "who doesn't eat Pasta! Copa Cabana! For cryin' out loud."

"He doesn't know what he's getting into," insists Rogers, "if it wasn't for Dolly [Parton], I would have lost it all. I'd probably be doing priceline.com commercials opposite Shattner, snorting blow out of ashtrays and pumpin' juke boxes full of nickels at cheap (expletive) bars just to hear the old me croon out one from the glory days."

Manilow doesn't have far to fall until a similar fate as that which Rogers feared could be his. With recent appearances on American Idol and Dancing With the Stars, coupled with some sub-par plastic surgery, Manilow appears headed down the path of ashtray blow and juke-box juicing sooner than later. One unpublished report cited Manilow already coming out of a rehab meeting at the Betty Ford Clinic.

"'Barry Manilow's House of Pasta?'," asks Rogers, "who's he kidding. If Kenny [himself] can't make it in the biz, ain't no way sissy boy can." While Business Week and E! Entertainment Television remained glued to the story, carb bingers across the country are on the edge of their seats.

Angst-ridden Pre-Teen Isn't Falling for Lung Cancer Scare

Trailer Lake, AR - Brett Masterson isn't falling for what he has termed the "government psych out" that is lung cancer. According to this edgy twelve-year-old, there's no link between cigarettes and the leading cause of death of cigarette smokers: lung cancer.

"I read all the books," says Masterson, "and all them Phillip Morris brochures too. Smokin' ain't no cause of no cancer."

With his pre-pubescent tone and his naive demeanor, one can't help but wonder of the "books" Masterson speaks of allowed him to "choose his own adventure" during the course of his research. But there's no telling this Avril-listening, soap-shoe-wearing bad-ass what to do.

"I finna smoke if I wan' to," says Masterson - "Li'l B" to his closest cronies - "and ain't no doctor or no parent or no talk-show-host-married-to-a-former-Asian-news-anchor [Maury Povich] gonna tell me otherwise."

Aside from his on-again, off-again mother, Rayla Perkins, 25, there's one person who's happy to see such "healthy teen exuberance" such as Masterson: J. Blake Gester of Phillip Morris. "Li'l B is the posterchild of a whole new niche in the market for us and we're very excited to be exploiting kids just like him. Kids who are too edgy to listen to those stupid 'truth.com' ads and young adults who are too punk rock to care what people 'in the know' have to say about it. We want to reach out to those young customers who are too smart to fall for the government's lung cancer conspiracy. It's hard for guys like 'Li'l B' who are too down with what's hip to be (airquotes) 'normal.'"

Florida Inmate Wes Honeywood Turns 100

Jacksonville, FL - Wes Honeywood celebrated his 100th birthday in January this year, the poster child of an aging Florida prison system. Honeywood is currently on house arrest after his 1997 release from a state penitentiary, but still requires state funding to ensure that he behaves. Honeywood is a registered sex offender. He voluntarily went back to jail in 1994 at age 88 after committing an aggravated battery. His reason? "Jail is a second home to me."

Man Sticks to Adult Diaper, Despite Loss of Friends

Rainer, MS - Tom Johnson was sick. Sick and tired of being interrupted 2-3 times daily with natural bodily functions. So he did something about it.

"Normally adult diapers are reserved for the sick, infirmed or elderly," says a confident Johnson, "but I said, heck, why let them have all the fun?!" That's right, Johnson went to his local K-Mart and did the unthinkable: he bought a 6-pack of Depends adult underguards and never looked back.

"Most of my friends think I'm crazy and won't be seen with me," says Johnson, "but they'll come around. They'll see all the time I'm saving."

So what, you ask, is so valuable a use of time that it would prompt a 38-year-old who lives with his parents to dismiss his ability to use the bathroom? "I'm a professional fantasy football player," harkens a defiant Johnson. "People pay me to put together and manage their teams, sometimes for a league that has a money prize, other times because they just want to be the big stuff around the water cooler that Monday at work." And that's so precious a vocation that one must soil himself in order to perform the job? "Basically it's a minute-to-minute thing sometimes. There's trade deadlines, injury reports that refresh every ten seconds. I'm not even going to tell you what I had to do during the two-days of drafts." Thanks for keeping that one to yourself Tom.

Man Indicted for Subway Bazooka Possession Pleads Second Amendment

Butte City, MT - After returning home from New York City to Butte City, following his release from jail, Bobby Troy Vincent has officially pled "Not Guilty" to charges of unlawful possession of a bazooka on a NYC Subway on January 22, 2006, claiming that such a charge violates his Second Amendment Rights (the right to bear arms).

NYC district prosecutor Scott Eriks replied to the pleading as "outrageous" and "insulting."

Vincent is nonetheless steadfast in his argument. "Americans have the right to arm themselves, it's in the Constitution and its in the Bible. Deal with it New York," said a forceful Vincent. Vincent would not comment as to why he was in possession of the bazooka. On a similar note, U.S. Army officials are conducting an independant investigation as to where Vincent got the bazooka. A preliminary search has revealed that Vincent spent no time in the military, despite his daily dress in army fatigues.

Vincent has been less that cooperative in answering these puzzling questions himself, insisting that "Everything will come out at trial when the Lord Jesus Christ comes down and tells everyone how wrong they are."

A close friend of Vincent, Ted William Long, speculated that ever since he saw the oscar-nominated "Brokeback Mountain," Vicent "ain't really been the same."

McDonald's Birthday Business Hurt By Child Hunting Craze

Ann Arbor, MI - It was not long ago that the McDonald's "Playplace" was all the rage for youth birthdays. Happy Meals and ice cream followed by a two-hour rompa-room session of shoeless frivality in the foam-padded, kiddie-proof gynasium of fun - there was simply no beating it. Until now.

McDonald's child birthday industry has noted a sharp decline over the last 5 consecutive years, particularly in the midwest and Bible-belt states. Experts are quick to point the finger at a recent surge in "hunting birthdays" - a contemporary replacement to the innocence of the realm of Ronald and Hamburglar.

Troy Buckton is just one such birthday boy who for his 10th birthday traded in a date with Grimace for a 12-gauge. "My pa said that I could go take some friends huntin' instead," says Buckton while posing next to the prize bear he bagged. "McDonald's sucks compared to killin' stuff." Such words are far from music to the ears of Mickey D's execs who have branded an entire industry around children. "You think adults come here for the quality food?" says a rhetorical Nancy Hice, chairman of the Greater Michigan McDonald's Restaurant Franchisee Association (GMMRFA). "Studies show that 82% of adult business is from kids draggin' their parents' asses here. This hunting birthday thing is not good."

Tell that to little Jason Dulane who bagged a pair of pheasants for his 6th birthday.
"My dad said that I need to learn to shoot a gun for when the crazy yuppie liberals come and try and take our land away," said a not-so-innocent, newly-6 Dulane. So what's in store for the birthday take? "Probably dinner, my mom said."

Child psychologists have noted that the shift is an expected one. According to Ed Lighton of UCLA (below right)
child hunting is a step-up from the constant playing of violent video games. "At least this way they have a sense of reality. That guns are real and can kill things, not just imaginary things they always see on television and in video games."

Some Michigan McDonald's have toyed with the idea of including live rounds of ammunition or a pre-paid hunting license for a specific animal in with Happy Meals or changing the names of kids meal items to reflect the typical game taken in a hunt. Ideas such as "Pheasant McNuggets" and "Bear Burgers" have been thrown around just to name a few. Hice claims that nothing has been finalized as of yet.

“Fridge” Announces Retirement From Competitive Eating

SPECIAL GUEST POST FROM N. HAYWARD


Aiken, SC - William “Refrigerator” Perry, the former professional football star turned competitive eater, abruptly announced his retirement from the sport today at a diner in Aiken, South Carolina.

According to an eyewitness account, Perry wedged himself into a corner booth at approximately 3:00 p.m. and summoned a server. After taking Perry’s order, the server returned with a bowl of grits and a double order of corned beef hash. When the server expressed concern at the relatively small order, Perry broke down, saying that he no longer had an interest in consuming large quantities of food for money. He also expressed resentment at “that damn skinny Japanese guy,” an apparent reference to competitive eating champion Takeru Kobyashi (right).


The announcement brought an abrupt end to Perry’s latest career. A first round draft pick of the Chicago Bears in 1985, Perry instantly became one of the National Football League’s biggest stars thanks to his defensive prowess and chubby charm. After retiring from football, Perry turned to boxing (directly below, left),

ultimately losing to Manute Bol in a made for television boxing exhibition. Perry entered competitive eating in 2003 and participated in the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest that year, dropping out after consuming four hot dogs in five minutes.

“The sport has lost one of its true icons,” said Richard Shea, co-founder of the International Federation of Competitive Eating, in a prepared statement. “The peak popularity our sport now enjoys was fostered in large part by Mr. Perry. He will be missed.”

Unconfirmed reports late yesterday indicated Perry had entered into negotiations with Fox Television to star in a new reality series, “Crash Dieting With Celebrities.” Messages with Fox executives went unanswered. Additional speculation has focused on Perry either joining the military (below left) or returning to his previous employment as a bricklayer (below right).

Young Son Supportive of "Tannest Mom"

Crestwood, ND - Tristan-Joseph White is one happy two-year old. He's the proud son of Beth Sue Nelson, the reigning holder of the "tannest mother" title. Nelson was proclaimed the winner of a nation-wide search sponsored by Hawaiian Tropic that called for photographs from around the United States.

"I just sent in my pic, and boom!" says Nelson.

The regime behind the title is nothing short of hardwork and dedication. Nelson tans in a commercial tanning bed twice daily, bouncing between the two tanning salons in Crestwood due to federal regulations that prohibit tanning more than once within a 24 hour period. Hawaiian Tropic contest officials allowed for this practice because "no one can regulate the sun or personally owned bed usage so we felt it would be unfair to excluse Ms. Nelson," according to a senior spokesperson for the company.

"Tristan-Joseph has been great," beams Nelson, "he doesn't even mind when I leave him at home for a couple hours to go tan. I tell him, 'Mommy has to go and look beautiful so that I can find you a new daddy!' and he just smiles and laughs and watches me leave."

Tristan-Joseph, who just celebrated his 2 and-a-half birthday on Monday could only manage a squeal and gurgle when asked what he thought about his mother.

"When I first started, he was kinda freaked out because he didn't recognize me and what not, but he's gotten used to it and he knows that beneath all the external beauty it's the same old mom down there."

Darius Miles bitten by acting bug

Portland, OR - Although still slumping through a desolate NBA season with the felony-prone Portland Trailblazers, skinny forward Darius Miles' sights are set somewhere other than the court these days: in front of the camera. The movie camera that is. Miles has officially been bitten by the acting bug.

After playing himself in a 2002 episode of the HBO hit "Arliss," Miles impressed producers of Van Wilder, who asked him to come aboard the 2002 National Lampoon project and play himself again. "He did a good job playing himself on Arliss," one producer of Van Wilder noted, "so we brought him on to do it again for us." Miles delivered, nailing a sensational no-line performance as himself, a college basketball player. Stunt doubles were used, however, for the dunking scene due to NBA contract restrictions that limit players from partaking in dangerous activities off the court.

"I just, you know, really like actin' and all, you know what I'm sayin'? It's like, like you have to be on the camera and in front of it at the same time," said a glowing Miles in a 2002 interview on the set of Van Wilder.

Miles real break came in 2004 when he was cast as Desmond Rhodes in "The Perfect Score," a film about a group of teenage friends who conspire to cheat on the SAT. "He really nailed the role," said a praiseworthy Roger Ebert - yes, the film critic. When jokingly asked if he would ever do such a thing as steal the answers to the SAT exam, a surprisingly startled Miles replied, "Yeah, I mean, naw 'cuz if I steal somethin', it ain't gonna be that, 'cuz I wouldn't never take no SAT exam anyway."

Miles is reportedly on the casting shortlist for roles in several upcoming Hollywood projects, including "The Return of the Love Bug," the sequel to the 2005 summer hit "Herbie Fully Loaded," and "Desperate Times," a film about the Watergate conspiracy that brought down the Nixon Presidency.

Yanni sues Miller-Boyett Productions for Defamation

Athens, Greece - Quasi-popular new age musician Yanni has filed suit in the United States against the television sitcom-producing entity Miller-Boyett productions, known for their early success in the 1990s with smash family hits such as "Full House," "Family Matters (aka Urkel)," and "Perfect Strangers."

Yanni's claim: that Miller-Boyett ripped off his image by creating "Uncle Jesse," the vagabond, unsuccessful musician who comes to live with his brother-in-law and three nieces after his sister (their wife/mother) passes away.

"Mr. Yanni stringently believes that his career was adversely affected at the expense of Miller-Boyett's profits," said J. Bryant Holton, Esq., the attorney for the Greek uber-musician.



Attorneys for Miller-Boyett declined to comment and would not return phone calls requesting interviews. When reached for his take, John Stamos, the sex-symbol who played "Uncle Jess" and made "Have mercy!" a household phrase stated: "I don't think there's that much similarity between me (Uncle Jesse) and Yanni. Although both Greek, both with tremendous hair, and both struggling musicians, there's really not much in common between the two. He has a mustache."

It will be interesting to see how the suit plays out. A Yanni victory could potentially open the flood gates of litigation for images seemingly resembling quasi-famous persons that are used in television sitcoms. Experts anticipate similar suits to follow: Al Roker and Reginald Vel Johnson bear a striking resemblance. A 2000 suit by a party claiming rights to the character of "George Costanza" on Seinfeld was dismissed by a New York trial court.

Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame Proclaims Foreigner the "Lamest Single-Word Band Name of the 80's"

Cleveland, OH - The votes are in and "Foreigner" is the worst single-word band name of the 1980's according to a recent survey of 10,000 randomly selected members of the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame's email list.

"We're pretty pleased with the selection," said Mick Jones of Foreigner, "we're looking for all the press we can get to promote the tour we're currently on." Say what? "Yeah, we never really left the 80's behind. When our music stopped selling, we never stopped playing, we're reaching out to a whole new generation," replied Jones.

The list of candidates for the title of "worst single word name" was a long one: Journey; Jackyl; Whitesnake; Boston; Chicago; Eagles, The; Exodus; Poision; Queen; Slayer; Rush; Styx; Warrant; Genesis; Kansas; and Kiss. Duran Duran, although being the same word twice, was not elgible, nor was INXS because, although it was a single word, it is a homophone for 3 separate words and is not an actual English word.