Angst-ridden Pre-Teen Isn't Falling for Lung Cancer Scare

Trailer Lake, AR - Brett Masterson isn't falling for what he has termed the "government psych out" that is lung cancer. According to this edgy twelve-year-old, there's no link between cigarettes and the leading cause of death of cigarette smokers: lung cancer.

"I read all the books," says Masterson, "and all them Phillip Morris brochures too. Smokin' ain't no cause of no cancer."

With his pre-pubescent tone and his naive demeanor, one can't help but wonder of the "books" Masterson speaks of allowed him to "choose his own adventure" during the course of his research. But there's no telling this Avril-listening, soap-shoe-wearing bad-ass what to do.

"I finna smoke if I wan' to," says Masterson - "Li'l B" to his closest cronies - "and ain't no doctor or no parent or no talk-show-host-married-to-a-former-Asian-news-anchor [Maury Povich] gonna tell me otherwise."

Aside from his on-again, off-again mother, Rayla Perkins, 25, there's one person who's happy to see such "healthy teen exuberance" such as Masterson: J. Blake Gester of Phillip Morris. "Li'l B is the posterchild of a whole new niche in the market for us and we're very excited to be exploiting kids just like him. Kids who are too edgy to listen to those stupid 'truth.com' ads and young adults who are too punk rock to care what people 'in the know' have to say about it. We want to reach out to those young customers who are too smart to fall for the government's lung cancer conspiracy. It's hard for guys like 'Li'l B' who are too down with what's hip to be (airquotes) 'normal.'"