McDonald's Birthday Business Hurt By Child Hunting Craze

Ann Arbor, MI - It was not long ago that the McDonald's "Playplace" was all the rage for youth birthdays. Happy Meals and ice cream followed by a two-hour rompa-room session of shoeless frivality in the foam-padded, kiddie-proof gynasium of fun - there was simply no beating it. Until now.

McDonald's child birthday industry has noted a sharp decline over the last 5 consecutive years, particularly in the midwest and Bible-belt states. Experts are quick to point the finger at a recent surge in "hunting birthdays" - a contemporary replacement to the innocence of the realm of Ronald and Hamburglar.

Troy Buckton is just one such birthday boy who for his 10th birthday traded in a date with Grimace for a 12-gauge. "My pa said that I could go take some friends huntin' instead," says Buckton while posing next to the prize bear he bagged. "McDonald's sucks compared to killin' stuff." Such words are far from music to the ears of Mickey D's execs who have branded an entire industry around children. "You think adults come here for the quality food?" says a rhetorical Nancy Hice, chairman of the Greater Michigan McDonald's Restaurant Franchisee Association (GMMRFA). "Studies show that 82% of adult business is from kids draggin' their parents' asses here. This hunting birthday thing is not good."

Tell that to little Jason Dulane who bagged a pair of pheasants for his 6th birthday.
"My dad said that I need to learn to shoot a gun for when the crazy yuppie liberals come and try and take our land away," said a not-so-innocent, newly-6 Dulane. So what's in store for the birthday take? "Probably dinner, my mom said."

Child psychologists have noted that the shift is an expected one. According to Ed Lighton of UCLA (below right)
child hunting is a step-up from the constant playing of violent video games. "At least this way they have a sense of reality. That guns are real and can kill things, not just imaginary things they always see on television and in video games."

Some Michigan McDonald's have toyed with the idea of including live rounds of ammunition or a pre-paid hunting license for a specific animal in with Happy Meals or changing the names of kids meal items to reflect the typical game taken in a hunt. Ideas such as "Pheasant McNuggets" and "Bear Burgers" have been thrown around just to name a few. Hice claims that nothing has been finalized as of yet.