Walker: Texas Governor?

Lubbock, TX - In a recent interview for the promotion of his new film "Sidekicks 3," Chuck Norris, the star and theme-song singer the of CBS action show "Walker: Texas Ranger," claimed that he was considering himself for candidacy in the upcoming Texas gubernatorial election. "I just feel like Texas has been lacking in kick-ass ever since Bush moved on to the big rodeo," said a smiling Norris, "and I feel I can definitely fill that void of kick-ass - you've seen my films," he added.

Norris would have to overcome a slew of jurisdictional rules and citizenship qualifications in order to be a valid candidate, though Norris claims he knows of a quick way to cut through such copious red tape: "jump kicks to the chest have always been pretty good motivators."



As for his campaign platform? "Child fatness, tax-funded hair transplants for men, and new forms of the death penalty," quickly lists Norris. When asked to elaborate, Norris responded: "Kids are too damn fat in the U.S., I want to make sure they all personally go on a bootcamp training session by age 12 in which they will learn martial arts and how to use martial arts for ass kicking purposes. In terms of the hair thing, I have suffered from bad hairpieces all my life and know what pain is like, I want to equalize men who cannot afford proper fitting and proper looking hair pieces."

As for the death penalty revisions (Texas already leads the nation in executions)? "Although Texas is still #1 in the DP," says Norris, "our lead in that category has been dropping, especially per capita. I'll make sure to institute the Roundhouse kick to the head as a new form of execution - quick, easy and cheap." In terms of constitutional preclusions to such a form of punishment, Norris retorts: "Anyone who thinks a Roundhouse is 'cruel and unusual' will have to answer to a Roundhouse from me." Based upon the physical fitness of Norris from all of his infomercial workouts on the Total Gym, this reporter won't be making any such arguments anytime soon.