Raffi Tops Bush's "Axis of Evil" List

Washington, D.C. - Fresh off of his latest NSA wire-tap briefing, President George W. Bush, aka "W," announced today at a press conference in the White House rose garden that children's songwriter Raffi is a suspected leader of the "Axis of Evil," the Bush-conceived trinity of world powers that is secretly out to get the U.S., composed, at times, of North Korea, Iran, Iraq, China, North Dakota, and "Others."

"Raffi, as he is known by his fans, is a suspect in the ongoing war on terrorism," stated a surprisingly well-dictioned Bush, "and we will not desist in our efforts to find him, until he is found."

When asked what exactly Raffi's suspected role in the "Axis" is, Bush only offered this: "He appears to be of Arabian decent, and that fact, coupled with this single-word name - probably a code name - makes him likely a part of Al-Qaeda."



Raffi's career as a child's songwriter was marked by a streak of success in the late 1980's with "Brush Your Teeth" and "Baby Beluga." His songs preached world peace and responsibility - the perfect guise for a spy within American borders, likely obtaining two decades worth of "nucular secrets before being detected," claimed Bush.

ACLU Paints Grim Picture of a U.S. Future Without Latin Influence

Washington, D.C. - With a national background torn apart from the ensuing threats of illegal immigrant deportation, the American Civil Liberties Union has launched a new campaign to remind American citizens of the immeasurable cultural contributions that the Latin influx in the contemporary population has brought about. The intended goal of the campaign is to promote a unifying sense of peace among the conflicting cultures, though initial results have seemingly spawned an opposite end.



Focusing largely on music and fashion, the ACLU's campaign is comprised mainly of billboards and syndicated commercial spots in prime time. Reminding American pop culture of such musical sensations as Menudo, Tino and Gerardo (aka Rico Suave), the ACLU has warned the public that should the new laws be voted in, Gerardo's new studio album, set to drop any month now, may never be realized.



The ACLU has also focused on the Latin influence prevalent in the multi-bilion dollar American fashion industry - the world's largest, rivaled only by Italy. Recalling such trends as the "Menudo look" of shotgun-holed shirts and small, almost underwear-like shorts (also modeled by Tino), the ACLU has warned that an America without Latin fashion would barely be an America at all.



Finally, the ACLU has commented on the downward slant of the beach lifestyle should the immigration laws go into effect. "It is the fashion and frivality of the Latin community on our nations beaches," warns the ACLU, "that makes this great melting-pot nation what it is today." Although the campaign as had a reverse effect in the early stages, the ACLU is hoping for a turn-around, fueled by a sure-fire addition of closed-minded comments from Republican Congressman and hopefully at least one more mind-numbing prime time speech from President Bush.

Valdez Threatens Coffee Sanction on White House in Wake of Recent Immigration Disputes

Washington, D.C. - In the wake of the recent "Immigration War," as dubbed by the ratings-minded CNN, coffee mascot Juan Valdez (no relation to the Exxon Valdeez) has threatened to boycott the White House, and eventually all of the United States, of his trademark Colombian coffee - rumored to be a favorite morning drink of first lady Laura Bush.

Responding to the remarks, a steadfast President Bush stated: "If Juan think's he's scarin' me with this, then he thinks he needs to think again. I'll just go ahead and open the U.S. coffee reserve - the U.S. has a coffee reserve that will last us plenty of time ... at least 10 days. Like oil."

Defiantly, Bush went on to remark that the U.S. does not negotiate with terrorists. When prompted as to what exactly his comment's intended meaning was, Bush replied that as an "outsider," Valdez is considered to be on accompanied with the axis of evil "until proven otherwise by means of phone taps."



While the embroiled Bush hunkers down in his oval, coffee-less White House, fending off an onslaught of hotbed issues that have plagued his presidency since re-election and have resulted in the lowest presidential approval ratings since Richard Nixon, a criminal, Juan Valdez continues to tread onward with this faithful donkey, Diego. Another high-powered battle of supremacy involving 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. appears inevitable, this time between Bush and a coffee mascot.

Hippie shuns technology, blogs about it

Berkeley, CA - "J. 6. X.P.," the infamous "anti-technology" hippie of the Bay area in California has gained notariety for his outspoken stance against technological advancements. "I ain't got a car, I ain't got a house - I ain't need any of that."

You can read all about J6XP's philosophies against technology on his blog site, which he writes down at the local library.

Isn't that hypocritical, you ask? "Well, naw, because I'm using technology against itself to tell people that technology is bad."

But doesn't the fact that one can't communicate technology's downside without using technology demonstrate that technology is actually good? "I dunno."

Hippie vs. Technology: the saga continues...

College Co-Ed Lists "Beer Bong" as "Special Skill" in Resume, Gets Job

Champaign, IL - Amber Tanner couldn't be happier - or more intoxicated. Prompted by several friends who have been wowed by her ability to suck down beer bongs since her freshman year in the dorms, Amber took the leap of faith and listed "beer bonging" as a "special skill" on the resume used for her post-graduation job search this spring.

"It's like, something that I'm good at, ya know?," says Tanner. "All of my friends say I'm like, the best they've ever seen because I can do so much of it, like, so fast too."

So what employer was impressed by this resume builder? "Um, they don't want me to say."

Psychologists Claim Baseball Managers' Uniform Shows Inability to Cope with Aging

Atlanta, GA - Perhaps more socially vexing than the stinging question of "Who shot JFK?" or "Where are Saddam's WMD?" is the oft-asked query into the realm of male sportsdom: "Why do MWUPB (managers wear uniforms in professional baseball)?"



The absurdity of the spectacle is inherently American. In no other nation, in no other sport does the coach dress as if at any instance he might have to put himself in the game. Why baseball? Johns Hopkins University psychology professor Joseph Caruthers is working on answering that question with his latest research.



"It seems they just can't leave it behind," says Caruthers, noting that most professional managers once played baseball, at least at some level, themselves before becoming the chairman of the bench. "It's almost an external showing of a fear of inadequacy. Many of the managers weren't that good," remarks Caruthers, noting that the most famous of those who were good stuck around to bet on baseball (Pete Rose). "Baseball is a somewhat wearable uniform as well," remarks Caruthers, explaining why the phenomenon does not occur in other sports. "There are no pads like football and no underarm fat exposure that a sport like basketball would bring about.



Fans can only dream about the miraculous drop in ticket prices that would have occurred had Madden suited up on the Raiders sideline, or Majerus dawned a Utes jersey on the baseline while coaching at the University of Utah.

Music Industry Confused by Recent Steven Seagal Project

Tacoma, WA - Music critics are dumfounded by the news of a second album being released by, that's right, Steven Seagal: the C-rate action-movie sub-star, more infamous for his bouts with domestic abuse and audio clip bumblings about his Buddhist beliefs than for his artistic talent in any genre, let alone music.

But Seagal is out to prove the doubters wrong - like he proved the Chinese Mafia wrong in his 2003 movie "Out for a Kill."



"Music is very musical for me," said a misty-eyed Seagal, fighting back tears like he fought back the European terrorists in "Black Dawn" in 2005 (only this time there was 1 lb. of facial foundation makeup at stake). "I've always been into guitars, and what not," claimed Seagal.

But music proponents, seeking to preserve the integrity of music in general, aren't so quick on the rogue ninja's one-man bandwagon. "This is just a stunt to make more money off of his name," says Tony Dubbly of People Against Bad Action Movie Actors in Music (PABAMAIM), a grassroots music saving organization.



Dubbly has his work cut out for him. "Mojo Priest," Seagal's 2006 follow-up to his 2005 album "Songs from the Crystal Cave" is rumored to be full of hard-hitting tracks and guitar riffs that are alleged to "blow you away." "Songs from the Crystal Cave" even featured Stevie Wonder on one track - though "perhaps marking the downtrodden career of Wonder more so than the upsloping career of Seagal," says Dubbly. " 'Mojo Priest'! Is he serious?!? Who buys this crap!?!," exclaimed Dubbly, clearly frustrated with the American consuming public.

"Mojo Priest" hits the shelves May 23.

Iowa Man Seeks Sale of "Jesus Stained Underpants" on E-Bay

Ames, IA - "It had been a long night of drinking," began Teddy Peterson in response to a throng of reporters huddled in his living room, anxious for the story. "I came home and passed out in the living room and apparently had pretty much lost control of my bowel movements. When I awoke the next day at 4 p.m., I carefully shuffled into the bathroom because I had the feeling as if something magical had happened."

The miracle that Teddy was describing is the same miracle he is now willing to pass on to the highest (money, that is) Internet bidder: a defecation trouser stain that seemingly resembles Jesus Christ.

"I painstakingly removed the shorts and when I happened to look down, it was like the lord was looking right back at me, it was amazing."

This most recent attempt to cash in on "natural" occurrences that seem to resemble religious figures has pushed some critics over the edge. Already wary from the "Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwhich" episode, certain religious leaders around the country are calling for a halt to Internet auctions for the sake of religious sanctity.



How does Teddy respond to that? "I can't control what happened, it was an act from above." Or below, the belt that is.

When, reluctantly, asked to produce the alleged under garments, Teddy managed a flustered excuse about the inability to show them to reporters for the sake of preserving the image. Additionally, E-Bay will not let Teddy post a photo of the dirty drawers because it goes against company policy. "Those who want to get close to the lord will simply have to trust in me as his messenger," retorts Teddy to any claims of fraud of bad faith. So far, no one has submitted a bid.

Cheerleader Past Makes Bush Extra-Macho?

Washington, D.C. - In response to recent heckling at a White House press conference in which the culpable heckler slurred Bush for his high school cheerleading past at Andover, Massachusetts, the White House issued a statement early this morning that claims Bush's cheerleading past makes him "extra macho" and "still more qualified to lead the world's most powerful country."



Allegations that the statement was encouraged by the homo-phobic Dick Cheney, who does have a lesbian daughter, have gone unconfirmed as of yet. However, critics feel that the argumentative and accusatory language of the statement is largely that of Cheney, who has previously commented that he does not want to be associated with a "non-Balls-to-the-Wall administration" and is believed to have coined the term "Bush League" as associated with the current presidency.



The statement goes on to mention in detail that Bush's choice of cheerleading was a distinct and calculated measure to avoid the "evils of homoeroticism" that are "rampant in professional sports today." The statement then went on to cite such examples as the butt-pat, the post-game hog-pile and wrestling as a whole.



"President Bush did not want to have his staunch masculinity subjected to confusion," read newly appointed White House Press Secretary Tony Snow from the statement, just after making sure to clarify for the media that although secretarial positions are typically associated with females, his is exceptional for its association with the White House.



Feminist and non-gender critics are already up in arms over the recent events, claiming that this recent release is yet another means of neo-conservatives desegregating against groups and individuals who are slightly different than themselves and that Bush is only making such outrageous claims because of his own inability to obtain athletic prowess.



When asked to comment, First Lady Laura Bush responded that she found the President's cheerleading past as "sexy, kinda," but made no comment about a possible relation between George W.'s cheerleading history and his refusal to let his daughters cheerlead while in high school.



Further allegations of George W. feeling inferior because of his having to cheer for his brother Jeb, a football star, are rumored to be developed in a forthcoming unauthorized biography: "The Cheerleader in the Oval Office."

Bush chooses Lansbury to Chair Katrina Probe

Washington, D.C. - Responding to those critical of his administrations response to Hurrican Katrina last fall, or lack thereof, President Bush today announced his appointment of former television super-sleuth Angela Lansbury, famed for her sharp, yet fictional, way of solving any mysterious murder that occurred in the hit television show "Murder She Wrote" in the late 1980's. Lansbury played the authorial sleuth Jessica Fletcher from 1984 to 1996 and will be 81 this fall.

"Angie is very excited about getting to the bottom of this whole Katrina thing," said a glowing and confident Bush, "like how she got to the bottom of all of those murders back in the 1980's."



When asked if Lansbury's fictitious ability to solve murders would cause any problems in translating to real life, Bush scoffed at such an idea. "I guess you pro'ly think that she can't make a bed fly either because 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks' was a movie as well," responded Bush in an accustory tone to the Washington Post reporter who dared pose such a question.

The recent appointment of Lansbury seems to be adding fuel on the fire for Bush critics who say the latest move is further proof of his lack of effort to take any responsibility for Katrina and to make any positive changes in the federal emergency response plan for the future.

Through her agent, Lansbury replied that she was looking forward to being back at work, noting that this will be her most notable "paying gig" since serving as the voice of Mrs. Potts in the 1992 Disney film "Beauty and the Beast."