West Virginia Two-some Honored with 2006 "Wilderness Couple" Award

Bear Back Springs, WV - Ted-Joe Stinson and Debbie-Bob Stinson-Channing were the proud recipients of the 2006 "Wilderness Couple" award, an annual honor co-sponsored by "Royal Hillbilly" magazine and the National Rifle Association. The Stinsons mark the first-ever West Virginia couple to take home the coveted title.

Criteria judged in determining the winners included, but was not limited to: beard grit ppm, bodily smell degree, split-end:healthy strand ratio, and undergarment stainage/square inch.

"We don't live in the wilderness," said a confused Ted-Joe (left in above photo) upon accepting the award, "I'm not even fully sure what this is all about." Nonetheless, the couple seemed pleased to add another item to their mantle, already garnished with the head of Pronghorn Antelope that Debbie-Bob strangled to death during their 1981 honeymoon to Idaho.

Perhaps the most notable portion of the gala evening occurred when a mentally infirmed Charlton Heston, suffering from an advanced stage of Alzheimer's Disease, had to be pulled off stage by fellow NRA board members after he grabbed the microphone and began shouting racial epithets that warned the audience of an oncoming holy war in which the militias of the U.S. must unite against the forthcoming minorities.

The Stinsons did not comment as to Hestons remarks. Reports that a confederate flag flies over their West Virginia trailer home have gone unconfirmed.

Nancy Grace, Geraldo Rivera Seek to Spawn Uber-Journalist at NYC Fertility Clinic

Manhattan, NY - Amidst a swirl of rumors that CNN's Nancy Grace and Fox News' Geraldo Rivera were the new hot item in the steamy world of bad journalistic integrity, the two held a joint press conference earlier this morning to announce that they have each secured reproductive materials at the Manhattan Sperm Bank and Fertility Clinic in hopes of eventually yielding a test-tube, born-to-be-a-journalist child.

"I know very little about the law, but I act like I do and acting is 99% of journalism today in America," boasted Grace, only to be followed up by Rivera who braggingly recalled his days as a daytime talk show host on Fox and his current segments on Fox News in which he is seemingly brought in as a correspondent with the sole purpose of looking unprofessional - on Fox News!

"Nancy and I are very excited about this opportunity to create a being of journalism for the nation's future. With the recent hiring of Katie Couric for the CBS anchor job, I don't need to go into much detail about how soiled and defaced the field has become. With Nancy and I's combined genetic powers, the next generation will have a chance to receive the same BS and pre-spun, filtered information that Nancy and I so stage for the contemporary generation."

Doctors at the Clinic are hopeful that the project will be a success, but warn that no such undertaking is a guarantee. "These procedures have become increasingly successful in recent years, but the possibility of a miracle not occuring is something that we must unfortunately always have in the back of our minds," said Dr. Ranji Supan of the Clinic. In a grilling follow-up, Grace confronted the response from Supan: "So what you're saying, Dr., if you're really a doctor, is that the Russians are behind a recent plot to genetically alter all American children, or am I just not hearing you right?" Not to be left out, Rivera correctingly offered, "Nancy, I think what the good Dr. is trying to say is that the liberal media is behind this, and that the Soviets along with NASA are plotting to contaminate the American cheese supply."

One can only hope, for the sake of the future of journalism, that this laboratory union is one of the miracles that does not occur.

Intel Excited About New VP of Finance, Flava Flav

Bear Tooth, WA - Tech giant Intel announced this morning that it is bringing aboard a new Vice President of Finance: Flava Flav, reality show sub-star of multiple VH1 anomalies ("The Surreal Life," "Flava of Love") and former gangsta rap quasi-bad boy of public enemy, known more for his flashy dental work than this intimidating 5'1", 87 lb. presence.

So why would an established market giant take such a risky venture? That's what Intel shareholders are dying to know - some choosing to dump their entire stakehold in the company before waiting around to find out.



"We're looking to diversify our board room," says Intel CEO Dan Danielson, "and Flav will certainly 'bring the noise' in that regard, if I may." You may not, Mr. Dan Danielson.

When asked to comment on his hopes for the new position, Flav only had this to say: "FLAVA FLAAAAV!" - his trademark, schizoid self-nickname shout known to follow-up hot tub jaunts with women and the completion of a multi-course meal before excusing himself from the table. When asked for a follow-up to his insightful response, the frazzled pop-culture product rhymingly replied, "It's like this, ya know what I'm sayin'? If the heat can raize the roof, ya ass betta get on fire or else get out the damn kitchen and that's the troof."

When confronted with that same quoted diction of his new VP of Finance, Danielson's only response was a seemingly falsified chuckle and a quick "Oh, that Flav!" At least Danielson won't have to worry about Flav being late to the board meetings since he wears a near-grandfather-style clock around his neck on a daily basis.