Rumsfield, Bush in Hot Water Over Falsified Army Recruit Birth Certificate

Quantico, VA - In an administration already on its last legs in terms of public toleration, further controversy has struck as news reports have arisen in which the U.S. Army allegedly falsified birth certificates of Army recruits in order to bulk up their force numbers.

The straw that broke the camels back was that of Trevor "T.J." Kittles, a 3'1" 4-year-old, rumored to have only recently graduated from Pull-Ups Overnights who was found in a Fort Bragg base bunk cleaning floors with a toothbrush.

"We just thought he was undersized, you know, a little person," claimed Rumsfeld before fleeing a throng of reporters at a recent press conference.

While the world is outraged, little T.J. seems okay. In fact, he has refused to abandon his country in its "time of need" and has vowed to stay on with the Army "until all the sand-eaters are in their place." Child psychologists are alarmed at these recent reports and anti-war activists are using it as proof of the underhanded media brainwash of patriotism that the Bush administration has subtly bombarded the American public with since 9/11.

Gays back Anti-Bush Amendment to Constitution

San Francisco, CA - In the wake of the President's recent comments supporting a Constitutional Amendment to ban homosexual marriage, a gay activist group based out of San Francisco has embarked on an initiative to amend the Constitution in order to ban Bush.

"He says he wants to preserve the sanctity of marriage," says Loren Jimmits of the Gay Action Against Bush (GAAB) group, "I just want to know if he means preserve marriage the same way he preserved his marriage with his cocaine addiction and wacky reborn Evangelism. And we all know about his slutty daughters. Some family, Bushy. He own VP is the father of a lesbian! Oh, and isn't there some war in the Middle East (or two or three) where 2500 Americans have already died? Aren't there more important things to worry about than further segregating people through bygone ideological beliefs?"



A devout Christian fundamentalist, Bush is no stranger to controversy when voicing his beliefs. The White House was not available for comment as to the proposed amendment.