Seeking Shake-Up, Twins GM Could Put Luke Edwards in Manager Role

Minneapolis, MN - It has already been a long season for the Minnesota Twins. At 34-36, they are already 4.5 games behind the division-leading White Sox, and with the departure of Torii Hunter and Johan Santana, coupled with the injury-plagued Francisco Liriano and less-than-stellar seasons from Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer, that 4.5 game gap could get much wider. All that has Bill Smith, the Twins' GM, on the hot seat with Ron Gardenhire the most likely candidate to take the brunt of it.

Insiders speculate that Smith may look to put Luke Edwards in the manager role. At age 12, Edwards miraculously led the Twins to the Penant after his grandfather, the Twins' Chairman, unexpectedly passed away. But that was 1994, and it was a movie - Little Big League - and Edwards was playing the role of Billy Heywood.



Questions remain as to whether Edwards would be able to step into a non-fictitious role as club manager. For one, the 1994-post-season was fueled by the memory of his deceased grandfather, who was adored by the entire Twins team. Without that inspiration, critics suggest that Edwards won't have the circumstances to succeed.

But Edwards is willing to give it a shot and stand up to the critics like he stood up to that umpire that called his baserunner "out." Partly because he doesn't have much else to do. After playing the background role of "high school guy" in 2001's American Pie 2, Edwards last significant role came in 2003's Jeepers Creepers II. But don't count Edwards out just yet: "I've got some experience with baseball from Little Big League, and I've got some experience with sequels, so why shouldn't we do this again and win the Penant? Only this time, it will be for real."

O'Reilly Explanation for YouTube Clip: "Not Me"

No Spin Zone, CA - Responding to the recent YouTube release of a clip featuring a more youthful Bill O'Reilly lashing out on crew members of the intellectual television journal "Inside Edition" after he appears to be unable to read the cue cards, O'Reilly has this to say of his behavior: "It's not me the tape." When asked to follow up, O'Reilly elaborated, "Think about it. Don't be an idiot - think about it. Before you start going out there and spreading these lies about me, think about it. Let's break this down Talking-Points-style. First of all, I would never wear a tie that ugly. Blue ties also make my eyes look jaundiced. Second of all, I have never had that much hair. And finally, I work at Fox News, okay? Do you know what Fox News is? I'll tell you. Fox News is the only unbiased, fair and balanced source for what's going on in the world. Anyone who gets their news elsewhere is a dolt. So why would I - with the capability of being a highly-respected, world-wide journalist for real news - ever take a job at Inside Edition. Think about it. Tell me where I'm wrong."



Before moving on, O'Reilly was pressed further for information from reporters. Why would somebody make a fake clip of O'Reilly? "Don't you see?" asked a facetious O'Reilly, "This is just another attempt by the biased liberal media to spin me. Just like the tried to spin with that fake sexual harassment allegation regarding Andrea Mackris that I paid $10 million to settle because it was fake. This is the liberal media and crazy left-wing nuts with their endless money trying to take me down because I report the truth."

Asked for still more follow-up, O'Reilly became irate: "F* it! I can't take this! F* it! We'll do it live!"

Rodney Dangerfield Is Latest Posthumous Sex Tape

Santa Monica, CA - Just weeks after a wealthy private collector purchased an FBI-produced sex tape of Marilyn Monroe, and a Jimi Hendrix sex tape was released, another big-name celebrity has become the victim of this trend of posthumously exposing their private hanky-panky. This news is also on the heels of the R. Kelly sex-tape scandal, which is winding down in a Chicago court room this month. The latest celebri-scandal? Rodney Dangerfield, the heavy-drinking, heavy-smoking, heavy-set comedian of "No Respect!" fame.



According to insiders, the film is relatively short and of very poor quality. The first several minutes is alleged to portray only Dangerfield by himself, eating a HungryMan TV-Dinner while naked and yelling at the television, which appears to be an episode of the Phil Donahue show. Later, a woman comes in and is featured on the film for about 2 minutes. The identity of the woman in the film is unknown, but some speculate it may be Rue McClanahan, known to many as Blanche Devereaux - the slutty Golden Girl.



One private collector and mega-fan of Dangerfield is alleged to have made an offer to purchase the tape and keep it from public release. Let's all hope that he is successful in doing so.

New Kids On The Block Announce Tour Sponsor

New York, NY - Fresh off of their less-than-stellar re-debut on the Today Show last week, New Kids on the Block (or "NKOTB" for their acronym-loving fans) have announced that their summer 2008 tour will be sponsored by Ben Gay, the pain-reliever cream frequently used by aging adults.



After some initial attempts to procure a more youthful sponsor, the New Kids realized that they had to be true to themselves - and their fans. The oldest member and most forgettable member, Jonathan Knight, does, after all, turn 40 later this year. "We were trying to come with something fresh and funky, but yet that our fans, both old and new, can still identify with," says Jonathan, "and Ben Gay was the most logical answer."



Rumors that Ben Gay was the only company to submit a sponsorship bid have yet to be verified. Regarding the sponsorship bidding process: "That shit is confidential," says Donnie Wahlberg, the "hard ass" New Kid and less-successful brother of Mark Wahlberg (the actor, not the day time television personality).

"Making good music for as long as we've been doing it, is not easy," states a giddy Joey McIntyre. "And when it comes down to it, yeah, we are getting old, yeah, we do have kids, yeah we don't have jobs, no, we don't have money, and yeah, our bodies do hurt a little more now than they did 15 years ago when this roller coaster ride started. Which is why Ben Gay is the best possible sponsor for us."

With an aging fan base, a struggling economy with high gas prices, and a significant lack of new, catchy tracks, all the factors are aligned against the New Kids - but that's how they like it. "We've had our backs against the wall for our lives, you know what I'm sayin'?" responds Wahlberg. "Can't nobody keep us down, we is just doing what our fans demand from us." Hopefully Ben Gay is providing NKOTB with enough tubes of their product to make it through the summer.

Spelling Bee Champ Chalks Victory up to "The Duchess"

Voorhies, NJ - Pundar and Rachna Patel thought they had reason to be proud as the parents of the newly crowned, 12-year-old, Emerald Nut National Spelling Bee Champion Raj Patel. That is until the discovered Raj's victory was aided by his underground penchant for MTV music videos - an indulgence banned from the Patel household.

Needing a correct spelling to secure victory after Fran Giddes incorrectly spelled "paraphernalia," Patel found himself in a tight spot: win with the correct spelling of his word, but have his parents discover his secret hoarding of MTV programming. Raj's word: Fergilicious.



"She's good about spelling things out in her videos," said Raj in a March 11th Voorhies Times interview, "especially words that don't really exist. That's why I was surprised to get it - because it's not really a word."

Although "Fergilicious" is not one of the words that Stacey Ferguson, aka "Fergie" aka "The Duchess" lyrically spells out, it is the titular song of one of her most recent music videos, proceeded by "Glamorous," which Fergie also spells out in the lyrics: "G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S."

As for Raj's parents, they declined comment upon learning of their sons illicit viewing of MTV, but sources close to the family have predicted a stern reprimand for the youth who should otherwise be basking in the glory of his spelling victory.

Fergie's publicist declined comment, but sources indicate Fergie will continue to spell out words in her lyrics.

Captain Planet Ordered to Stay 500 Yards from Missouri Grade School

Festus, MO - Captain Planet, aka Todd Muskovic, has been ordered by a Muthusola County, Missouri judge to remain at least 500 yards away from a nearby gradeschool. The court order is the most recent development in what has been a long and steady decline for Muskovic since his animated series "Captain Planet and the Planeteers" was cancelled by ABC in 1994.

In 2004, Muskovic was intensely investigated by the Department of Homeland Security for his alleged role in an immigration operation, stemming largely from the consistently foreign makeup of his squadron on earth-saving Planeteers.



In 1999, Muskovic was indicted on child molestation charges when two former Planeteers accused him of pressuring them into sexual acts via the coercion of environmental destruction. "He said that if we didn't do what he wanted, the rainforests would burn to the ground," reads the testimony of one of the accusers, who shall remain anonymous due to his minor status.

This most recent court order comes to no surprise to Muskovic's Festus neighbors. "He's always strutting around in that creepy red underwear with his hair dyed green... he looks like a damn fool," says Dale Naiman, a 42-year resident of Festus. "Instead of worrying about the environment, he should worry about cleanin' up his own damn self."

During his day in court, Muskovic cited clinical depression as a mitigating factor for his sentencing, stating that the environmental destruction directly attributable to the laisse-faire policies enacted since the Bush administration took office have got him "down in the dumps." The judge, a known rural conservative wasn't buying it. Apparently saving our planet is not his thing to do; looting and polluting is more his way.

ACS Report Indicates "Worker Apathy" leading to rise in Smoking

New York City, NY - A new report by the American Cancer Society indicates that an increasing number of stereotypical "9-5" workers are turning to smoking as a source of release from the mundane nature of their employment. With the vast majority of U.S. employers allowing 10-minute smoke breaks every 3 hours as part of their normal employment policy, non-smokers are beginning to take-up the habit, simply as a means of getting out of work.

"Why should smokers be able to get away from the cubicle while I'm stuck," asks Jim Lindman of Vyndacorp, Inc., a New York-based accounting firm. "I started [smoking] so I could get outside, get away from it all. Pretty sick that lung cancer is more appealing than work."

In response to the increase of non-smoker smoking, regular smoking addicts are beginning to fight back. "It's getting too crowded down there," says Judy Erickson, a yellow-toothed veteran of the smoking-break circuit, "I've had the same spot for 21 years," claims the catchers'-mit-faced Erickson, "and all of a sudden these primadonnas are movin' in, just to get out of work? Makes me sick."

In the wake of the smoke wars, some companies are considering offering 10-minute breaks to all employees, every 3 hours, during which they could do whatever they want, however, corporate America is fearing a production loss if such precedent should occur: "Smoker or not, you have to work at work," says John Thomson of the American Institute of Corporations. "Corporate American doesn't care about you and your ten minutes, it needs to make that bottom line."

Report Alleges Yanni, John Stossel, Same Person

The Acropolis, Athens, Greece - Fresh off of his recent tour, new-age megastar Yanni is being met with a brash new report out of a Washington, D.C.-based civilian watchdog group that claims Yanni and ABC News anchor John Stossel to be the same person.



"It's simply not true," says the mustached Grecian, "I do not think Mr. Stossel can play a 3,000-year-old Armenian wind instrument or dance in front of a stack of keyboards."

It's a good argument, but some people aren't buying it. "I've never seen John Stossel at a Yanni concert," says a visible shaken Norma Jo Nelson who has been to over twenty Yanni shows in her life, "come to think of it, I've never seen them both at the same place."

The allegation is exactly the type that commonly fall prey to the journalistic Stossel on his usual "Give me a break" expose-styled pieces on 20/20. A preliminary inquiry as to whether Stossel has ever done an interview or news story on Yanni and/or new-age music has turned up nothing, leading some viewers to believe that perhaps John Yanni-Stossel is the one who should "Give it a break" and stop lying to his fans by leading a double-life as a quasi-music/television star.

Desperate for Ratings, VH1's "I Love" Show Airs "I Love Yesterday"

Pasadena, CA - Desperate to keep fueling the once-bright ratings fire that is VH1's "I love the [insert decade]," VH1 producers have gone from the 70s, to the 80s, to the 90s, to the 70s volume 2, and now are planning on airing "I love Yesterday," a version of the show that will allegedly, bear with me here, portray the smattering of the C-list celebrity hosts mocking themselves mocking pop-culture from prior decades.



From semi-famous Comedy-Central-born comedians (pictured), to Sportscenter anchors, and from hair-band front-men to Kathy Griffin, the panel will continue to appear, but will now not critique such yester-year trinkets and icons as Teddy Ruxpin and David Cassidy, but will instead make not-funny running commentaries about how lame their own comments were on the prior day's episode.

VH1 admits its a roll of the dice, but the alternative, according to Joe Thimung, a VH1 producer, was to either (a) keep rolling back the clock a la "I Love the 50's, 40's, etc." or (b) pontificate as to what would be loved in the future. Thimung admits that nobody knows what the hell is going to be popular ten minutes from now, let along ten years from now: "Come on," he says, "did you see Vanilla Ice comin'? Hammer?" Perhaps Thimung should invest in diversifying VH1's reality show pallet, it currently consists of a range from "Hogan Knows Best" to "Flava of Love 2".

Alleged Pedophile Sues Florida Couples Resort for Discrimination

Naples, FL - Timothy Little, a 58-year-old afincionado of boys, has filed suit against Rio Negro Couples Resort in a Florida district court, alleging that his being turned away was a discriminatory act because he sought to reserve a room with a group of young children. Although Little has no police record and no illegal behavior involving children has been witnessed on his behalf, neighbors say that they just get a bad feeling about him.

"He's creepy," remarks Dorothy Jo Benson, a co-resident of the Smokey Crab Mobile Home Park with Little. "We call him 'Creepy Tim.'"

Mr. Little has other thoughts: "I just like hanging out with kids," says the retired plumber, "they are more funner than adults because they don't be mean to you." When questioned whether he felt his behavior was unusual or wrong, Little cited to the recent acquittal of Michael Jackson: "people thought he was weird too," says Little, "and look what happened to him."

Unsure how to respond to such a statement, R. Jefferson Richmond, the Broward County-based counsel for Rio Negro, says that the complaint is completely unfounded. "Mr. Little has to understand that it is a couples resort, and that has been constitutionally upheld in courts of law all over the country as non-discriminatory."

Little says he's not going without a fight and that he'll take it all the way to the Supreme Court if he must. "Some men just want to be boys," claims a melancholy Little, "and I don't see what's wrong with that."

Hiring Partner Warns Applicants About Use of Post-Interview Fist-Pump

New York City, New York - "It's definitely a show of emotion that should be used with caution." That's why Terry Dindrick has to say about the use of the "fist-pump" in the context of leaving a job interview. "Even if you think you did well in the interview, it's just kind of a slap in the face of the interviewer if you walk out and do a fist pump before you've even closed the door. Maybe the door's even glass."

The fist-pump is a rapidly growing trend in the wake of an increase in athlete use, most notably Curt Shilling and Randy Johnson during the Diamondbacks' World Series Run four years ago, and, of course, Tiger Woods, heralded by some as the most prolific fist-pumper in the history of competetive sports.

So what is an appropriate exit strategy? "A handshake," claims Dindrick, "just a simple 'thank you' and a handshake has always done the job for me. If you want to go out later that night, drinking with your friends, talking about how you 'nailed' the interview, how you 'dominated it,' then go for it. Fist-pump all you want. But don't expect to get the job if you do it in front of me." Tough words from a stoic attorney.

Rumsfield, Bush in Hot Water Over Falsified Army Recruit Birth Certificate

Quantico, VA - In an administration already on its last legs in terms of public toleration, further controversy has struck as news reports have arisen in which the U.S. Army allegedly falsified birth certificates of Army recruits in order to bulk up their force numbers.

The straw that broke the camels back was that of Trevor "T.J." Kittles, a 3'1" 4-year-old, rumored to have only recently graduated from Pull-Ups Overnights who was found in a Fort Bragg base bunk cleaning floors with a toothbrush.

"We just thought he was undersized, you know, a little person," claimed Rumsfeld before fleeing a throng of reporters at a recent press conference.

While the world is outraged, little T.J. seems okay. In fact, he has refused to abandon his country in its "time of need" and has vowed to stay on with the Army "until all the sand-eaters are in their place." Child psychologists are alarmed at these recent reports and anti-war activists are using it as proof of the underhanded media brainwash of patriotism that the Bush administration has subtly bombarded the American public with since 9/11.

Gays back Anti-Bush Amendment to Constitution

San Francisco, CA - In the wake of the President's recent comments supporting a Constitutional Amendment to ban homosexual marriage, a gay activist group based out of San Francisco has embarked on an initiative to amend the Constitution in order to ban Bush.

"He says he wants to preserve the sanctity of marriage," says Loren Jimmits of the Gay Action Against Bush (GAAB) group, "I just want to know if he means preserve marriage the same way he preserved his marriage with his cocaine addiction and wacky reborn Evangelism. And we all know about his slutty daughters. Some family, Bushy. He own VP is the father of a lesbian! Oh, and isn't there some war in the Middle East (or two or three) where 2500 Americans have already died? Aren't there more important things to worry about than further segregating people through bygone ideological beliefs?"



A devout Christian fundamentalist, Bush is no stranger to controversy when voicing his beliefs. The White House was not available for comment as to the proposed amendment.