O'Reilly Explanation for YouTube Clip: "Not Me"

No Spin Zone, CA - Responding to the recent YouTube release of a clip featuring a more youthful Bill O'Reilly lashing out on crew members of the intellectual television journal "Inside Edition" after he appears to be unable to read the cue cards, O'Reilly has this to say of his behavior: "It's not me the tape." When asked to follow up, O'Reilly elaborated, "Think about it. Don't be an idiot - think about it. Before you start going out there and spreading these lies about me, think about it. Let's break this down Talking-Points-style. First of all, I would never wear a tie that ugly. Blue ties also make my eyes look jaundiced. Second of all, I have never had that much hair. And finally, I work at Fox News, okay? Do you know what Fox News is? I'll tell you. Fox News is the only unbiased, fair and balanced source for what's going on in the world. Anyone who gets their news elsewhere is a dolt. So why would I - with the capability of being a highly-respected, world-wide journalist for real news - ever take a job at Inside Edition. Think about it. Tell me where I'm wrong."



Before moving on, O'Reilly was pressed further for information from reporters. Why would somebody make a fake clip of O'Reilly? "Don't you see?" asked a facetious O'Reilly, "This is just another attempt by the biased liberal media to spin me. Just like the tried to spin with that fake sexual harassment allegation regarding Andrea Mackris that I paid $10 million to settle because it was fake. This is the liberal media and crazy left-wing nuts with their endless money trying to take me down because I report the truth."

Asked for still more follow-up, O'Reilly became irate: "F* it! I can't take this! F* it! We'll do it live!"

Rodney Dangerfield Is Latest Posthumous Sex Tape

Santa Monica, CA - Just weeks after a wealthy private collector purchased an FBI-produced sex tape of Marilyn Monroe, and a Jimi Hendrix sex tape was released, another big-name celebrity has become the victim of this trend of posthumously exposing their private hanky-panky. This news is also on the heels of the R. Kelly sex-tape scandal, which is winding down in a Chicago court room this month. The latest celebri-scandal? Rodney Dangerfield, the heavy-drinking, heavy-smoking, heavy-set comedian of "No Respect!" fame.



According to insiders, the film is relatively short and of very poor quality. The first several minutes is alleged to portray only Dangerfield by himself, eating a HungryMan TV-Dinner while naked and yelling at the television, which appears to be an episode of the Phil Donahue show. Later, a woman comes in and is featured on the film for about 2 minutes. The identity of the woman in the film is unknown, but some speculate it may be Rue McClanahan, known to many as Blanche Devereaux - the slutty Golden Girl.



One private collector and mega-fan of Dangerfield is alleged to have made an offer to purchase the tape and keep it from public release. Let's all hope that he is successful in doing so.

New Kids On The Block Announce Tour Sponsor

New York, NY - Fresh off of their less-than-stellar re-debut on the Today Show last week, New Kids on the Block (or "NKOTB" for their acronym-loving fans) have announced that their summer 2008 tour will be sponsored by Ben Gay, the pain-reliever cream frequently used by aging adults.



After some initial attempts to procure a more youthful sponsor, the New Kids realized that they had to be true to themselves - and their fans. The oldest member and most forgettable member, Jonathan Knight, does, after all, turn 40 later this year. "We were trying to come with something fresh and funky, but yet that our fans, both old and new, can still identify with," says Jonathan, "and Ben Gay was the most logical answer."



Rumors that Ben Gay was the only company to submit a sponsorship bid have yet to be verified. Regarding the sponsorship bidding process: "That shit is confidential," says Donnie Wahlberg, the "hard ass" New Kid and less-successful brother of Mark Wahlberg (the actor, not the day time television personality).

"Making good music for as long as we've been doing it, is not easy," states a giddy Joey McIntyre. "And when it comes down to it, yeah, we are getting old, yeah, we do have kids, yeah we don't have jobs, no, we don't have money, and yeah, our bodies do hurt a little more now than they did 15 years ago when this roller coaster ride started. Which is why Ben Gay is the best possible sponsor for us."

With an aging fan base, a struggling economy with high gas prices, and a significant lack of new, catchy tracks, all the factors are aligned against the New Kids - but that's how they like it. "We've had our backs against the wall for our lives, you know what I'm sayin'?" responds Wahlberg. "Can't nobody keep us down, we is just doing what our fans demand from us." Hopefully Ben Gay is providing NKOTB with enough tubes of their product to make it through the summer.