Captain Planet Ordered to Stay 500 Yards from Missouri Grade School

Festus, MO - Captain Planet, aka Todd Muskovic, has been ordered by a Muthusola County, Missouri judge to remain at least 500 yards away from a nearby gradeschool. The court order is the most recent development in what has been a long and steady decline for Muskovic since his animated series "Captain Planet and the Planeteers" was cancelled by ABC in 1994.

In 2004, Muskovic was intensely investigated by the Department of Homeland Security for his alleged role in an immigration operation, stemming largely from the consistently foreign makeup of his squadron on earth-saving Planeteers.



In 1999, Muskovic was indicted on child molestation charges when two former Planeteers accused him of pressuring them into sexual acts via the coercion of environmental destruction. "He said that if we didn't do what he wanted, the rainforests would burn to the ground," reads the testimony of one of the accusers, who shall remain anonymous due to his minor status.

This most recent court order comes to no surprise to Muskovic's Festus neighbors. "He's always strutting around in that creepy red underwear with his hair dyed green... he looks like a damn fool," says Dale Naiman, a 42-year resident of Festus. "Instead of worrying about the environment, he should worry about cleanin' up his own damn self."

During his day in court, Muskovic cited clinical depression as a mitigating factor for his sentencing, stating that the environmental destruction directly attributable to the laisse-faire policies enacted since the Bush administration took office have got him "down in the dumps." The judge, a known rural conservative wasn't buying it. Apparently saving our planet is not his thing to do; looting and polluting is more his way.

ACS Report Indicates "Worker Apathy" leading to rise in Smoking

New York City, NY - A new report by the American Cancer Society indicates that an increasing number of stereotypical "9-5" workers are turning to smoking as a source of release from the mundane nature of their employment. With the vast majority of U.S. employers allowing 10-minute smoke breaks every 3 hours as part of their normal employment policy, non-smokers are beginning to take-up the habit, simply as a means of getting out of work.

"Why should smokers be able to get away from the cubicle while I'm stuck," asks Jim Lindman of Vyndacorp, Inc., a New York-based accounting firm. "I started [smoking] so I could get outside, get away from it all. Pretty sick that lung cancer is more appealing than work."

In response to the increase of non-smoker smoking, regular smoking addicts are beginning to fight back. "It's getting too crowded down there," says Judy Erickson, a yellow-toothed veteran of the smoking-break circuit, "I've had the same spot for 21 years," claims the catchers'-mit-faced Erickson, "and all of a sudden these primadonnas are movin' in, just to get out of work? Makes me sick."

In the wake of the smoke wars, some companies are considering offering 10-minute breaks to all employees, every 3 hours, during which they could do whatever they want, however, corporate America is fearing a production loss if such precedent should occur: "Smoker or not, you have to work at work," says John Thomson of the American Institute of Corporations. "Corporate American doesn't care about you and your ten minutes, it needs to make that bottom line."

Report Alleges Yanni, John Stossel, Same Person

The Acropolis, Athens, Greece - Fresh off of his recent tour, new-age megastar Yanni is being met with a brash new report out of a Washington, D.C.-based civilian watchdog group that claims Yanni and ABC News anchor John Stossel to be the same person.



"It's simply not true," says the mustached Grecian, "I do not think Mr. Stossel can play a 3,000-year-old Armenian wind instrument or dance in front of a stack of keyboards."

It's a good argument, but some people aren't buying it. "I've never seen John Stossel at a Yanni concert," says a visible shaken Norma Jo Nelson who has been to over twenty Yanni shows in her life, "come to think of it, I've never seen them both at the same place."

The allegation is exactly the type that commonly fall prey to the journalistic Stossel on his usual "Give me a break" expose-styled pieces on 20/20. A preliminary inquiry as to whether Stossel has ever done an interview or news story on Yanni and/or new-age music has turned up nothing, leading some viewers to believe that perhaps John Yanni-Stossel is the one who should "Give it a break" and stop lying to his fans by leading a double-life as a quasi-music/television star.

Desperate for Ratings, VH1's "I Love" Show Airs "I Love Yesterday"

Pasadena, CA - Desperate to keep fueling the once-bright ratings fire that is VH1's "I love the [insert decade]," VH1 producers have gone from the 70s, to the 80s, to the 90s, to the 70s volume 2, and now are planning on airing "I love Yesterday," a version of the show that will allegedly, bear with me here, portray the smattering of the C-list celebrity hosts mocking themselves mocking pop-culture from prior decades.



From semi-famous Comedy-Central-born comedians (pictured), to Sportscenter anchors, and from hair-band front-men to Kathy Griffin, the panel will continue to appear, but will now not critique such yester-year trinkets and icons as Teddy Ruxpin and David Cassidy, but will instead make not-funny running commentaries about how lame their own comments were on the prior day's episode.

VH1 admits its a roll of the dice, but the alternative, according to Joe Thimung, a VH1 producer, was to either (a) keep rolling back the clock a la "I Love the 50's, 40's, etc." or (b) pontificate as to what would be loved in the future. Thimung admits that nobody knows what the hell is going to be popular ten minutes from now, let along ten years from now: "Come on," he says, "did you see Vanilla Ice comin'? Hammer?" Perhaps Thimung should invest in diversifying VH1's reality show pallet, it currently consists of a range from "Hogan Knows Best" to "Flava of Love 2".

Alleged Pedophile Sues Florida Couples Resort for Discrimination

Naples, FL - Timothy Little, a 58-year-old afincionado of boys, has filed suit against Rio Negro Couples Resort in a Florida district court, alleging that his being turned away was a discriminatory act because he sought to reserve a room with a group of young children. Although Little has no police record and no illegal behavior involving children has been witnessed on his behalf, neighbors say that they just get a bad feeling about him.

"He's creepy," remarks Dorothy Jo Benson, a co-resident of the Smokey Crab Mobile Home Park with Little. "We call him 'Creepy Tim.'"

Mr. Little has other thoughts: "I just like hanging out with kids," says the retired plumber, "they are more funner than adults because they don't be mean to you." When questioned whether he felt his behavior was unusual or wrong, Little cited to the recent acquittal of Michael Jackson: "people thought he was weird too," says Little, "and look what happened to him."

Unsure how to respond to such a statement, R. Jefferson Richmond, the Broward County-based counsel for Rio Negro, says that the complaint is completely unfounded. "Mr. Little has to understand that it is a couples resort, and that has been constitutionally upheld in courts of law all over the country as non-discriminatory."

Little says he's not going without a fight and that he'll take it all the way to the Supreme Court if he must. "Some men just want to be boys," claims a melancholy Little, "and I don't see what's wrong with that."

Hiring Partner Warns Applicants About Use of Post-Interview Fist-Pump

New York City, New York - "It's definitely a show of emotion that should be used with caution." That's why Terry Dindrick has to say about the use of the "fist-pump" in the context of leaving a job interview. "Even if you think you did well in the interview, it's just kind of a slap in the face of the interviewer if you walk out and do a fist pump before you've even closed the door. Maybe the door's even glass."

The fist-pump is a rapidly growing trend in the wake of an increase in athlete use, most notably Curt Shilling and Randy Johnson during the Diamondbacks' World Series Run four years ago, and, of course, Tiger Woods, heralded by some as the most prolific fist-pumper in the history of competetive sports.

So what is an appropriate exit strategy? "A handshake," claims Dindrick, "just a simple 'thank you' and a handshake has always done the job for me. If you want to go out later that night, drinking with your friends, talking about how you 'nailed' the interview, how you 'dominated it,' then go for it. Fist-pump all you want. But don't expect to get the job if you do it in front of me." Tough words from a stoic attorney.